What do you say when a loved one dies?

**rorke** · December 17th, 2006, 12:42 AM

What do you say to someone who loses their parent 9 days before Xmas.
20 min ago my friend lost their dad in Emergancy Surgury because he had tumor that was building pressure in his brain.

He died...

And I don't know the right words to comfort my friend. I just don't have the words.

...

**fae** · December 17th, 2006, 01:30 AM

i don't think there's a set correct type of thing to say... I think once you begin trying to find some set 'correct' thing to say, you make it seem so fake and rehearsed, in a sense...

it's not the same thing, but i just left a message for a friend who's dog just got killed by a car... I felt that same 'how do you show you care without making it seem pointlessly cheesy, etc.?'

I think admitting the fact that you don't have some thing to say that will change or lessen the hurt is a good way to start... just be there for him. let him know you're available... that you feel for him and care and want to help however you can.

Just be honest and tell him you have nothing to say... I always think sharing that in all honesty is huge to showing your genuine feelings and where you stand.

I dunno... just my two cents.

**HunterKiller_** · December 17th, 2006, 01:34 AM

I agree with fae. Just be 'a shoulder to cry on'.

**2b BOY** · December 17th, 2006, 01:43 AM

Mmm, yes I agree with Fae as well. You don't have to offer any advice just listen, and help any way you can. I know what your friend is going through (I should say I can relate), I lost my mother to lung cancer at 15. You don't always have to say something, just be there. I hope your friend will be ok.

What helped me, was I had a friend who would always try to get my mind off it by going to go do something such as play games or he would joke around and never let me get into a seriously depressed state. Once he saw that I started zoning out, and thinking about things, he would always hit me (not that I reccomend that) and snap me out of it and put my attention else where. Not everyone has to be Buddha, or ghandi to help someone get through things. I hope this helps, and dont worry.

**sve** · December 17th, 2006, 02:34 AM

I want to help you in any way possible. if you need anything, please tell me...

**fae** · December 17th, 2006, 03:13 AM

i think you have to be careful with what 2b boy suggests: not that I think that's a bad method... just that you have to find which method works for your friend. some people prefer it when they're upset to have their mind off it always... some people need you to be there as they deal with it face to face... some people need some of both...

so being sensitive to what state he's in and what his needs are is key... like... sometimes when i need someone to hear me out and let me rant and be upset about something really bad going on... if they try to divert me off the topic, i feel like they really don't care b/c they don't want to deal with it and would rather just handle things lightly. Some people feel blown off when that happens or like you think it's more trivial than they see it... it feels really stupid. but then again, sometimes, as i said, it works just right.

**rorke** · December 17th, 2006, 04:10 AM

I just got back... and yeah... I think I myself am in shock.

Yeah this is the second friend that has had this happent to him in the last 3 months. But this one hit me more because I knew his dad personally. I mean just 5 days ago I was hugging the guy and saying Merry Christmass.. and

now Ill just never see him again.

It almost feels like its not real. I don't know how to explain it. How do you tell someone the right things when you don't even know what to tell yourself half the time. anyways
thanks for the suport.

I know there is no real answer... there is only life... and cercomstance... But damn it would be nice if someone had all the right answers....maybe I can borrow the guys notes or something...

...

yeah.

**2b BOY** · December 17th, 2006, 04:39 AM

fae: That's true, i should've thought more about it. My friend helped me through a lot, but I probably already had the strength to accept she was gone. It all depends on the person. I just knew my friend for so long the way he helped me didnt seem like he was being rude, because he told me that I cant think about it forever and you just need to let go eventually. But, it's true you shouldnt force someone not to think about it, but always be there if it begins to consume your friend. Try and show, that your friend needs to move on, and there is life to live but that doesnt mean she/he needs to forget the one they love. But, like fae said always be considerate of how your friend wants to deal with it and be there for support, and share your time with her about it. You don't have to have answers, it's just nice to have someone there.

**tokaru** · December 17th, 2006, 07:21 AM

i really think that the right words are. " i´m your friend and i don´t have idea how do you feel."

death is just as natural as the life itself, so i think when someone that you love past away is just fine to feel sad,but then you need to keep moving foward.

**fae** · December 17th, 2006, 12:06 PM

kinda on the track of what 2b boy said... when someone is hurting, i don't think they're looking for someone to tell them the right thing... that's actually the last thing on their mind. just show them your genuine care and that's what makes or breaks it i think.

hang in there. i know even the semi-close deaths affect me b/c it makes the reality so close and real. I don't know how I would handle a very very close death...

**bumskee** · December 17th, 2006, 07:21 PM

I had a similar one last year.. And also been through similar myself some years ago too. Well I think everyone telling you the right things. Just be there and make sure your friend gets food and plenty of sleep.

**Elwell** · December 17th, 2006, 08:11 PM

You say, "I'm so sorry."
They say, "thank you."
Then you take it from there.

**chaosrocks** · December 17th, 2006, 09:05 PM

yeah ...elwell's got it
Im doing the same thing... my Father inlaw is dieing... I hope my husband can get there in time.
my dad died 2 years ago

you say..Imsorry
you look for any simple thing you can do to make the technicalities of life easier

make sure they eat
check in
just be there
it doesn't seem like much
but to the person it can be a lot

listen
listen
be still
be quiet

tell them you love them..its all you can
do

chaos

and we are in great sympathy
and will listen... with both eyes

**Jason Rainville** · December 17th, 2006, 10:15 PM

Damn man, that's terrible

A friend of mine lost his mom over the summer holidays. I lost track of him when I went back home, and only found out in the middle of class when the prof asked him how his mom felt...

I told him that I felt bad, condolinces etc, but I felt that this wasn't the time to talk about it. He wasn't really a close friend, only a classmate. I think he really wanted to not really feel anything for his mom when he was at school, and I think he wanted us to act like that too. Terrible thing to say, but school was a place to try to feel normal I suppose.

A good friend of mine also lost his dad a few christmases ago. We talked about his dad for a while, shot the shit, etc....

I think (depending on thew relationship between you and your friend) you should talk when they want to talk, cry when they want to cry, and laugh when they want to laugh. I don't think forcing them to either feel better or feel bad would be a good idea. Sometimes when you lose someone you want to forget and try to feel normal, sometimes you want to remember them and feel bad. Try to help your friend feel what they want to feel when they want it.

**JAG.** · December 18th, 2006, 01:27 AM

man.. thats hard. theres nothing you can say that will 'make them feel better'.. just be there to help with anything they may need. ease their suffering as best you can. tell them they're in our thoughts this holiday, and that we're sorry for their loss - JAG