So I've had this dream which as of posting this is now recurring. As vivid as real life and of the many interesting details were the paintings. I saw them and remember them even weeks later in better detail than paintings I've seen visiting an art museum in real life. They don't exist, but are heavily inspired by some of my favorite surreal Beksinski oil paintings. They don't contain any of his trademark recurring features, and are definitely by some other equally talented painter with a greater focus on mood through lighting and color than banal symbolism.
It's driving me nuts that a couple of these paintings don't exist. However I can't do anything about that. I'm not an artist. My mother was one of those people practically "born" as an artist and can still at any time with any tool and a gimped wrist produce exceptional stuff even 20 years without practice. Her entire side of the family consisted of relatively gifted artists. Certainly I grew up in an environment where I could have been well supported becoming an artist. However, I'm getting a degree in engineering like my father because money. The dream consisted of other things that interest me, which probably explains why the paintings were there.
I took one art intro class in highschool. I ditched pen and pencil for a cheap wacom tablet after highschool for the occasional therapeutic drawing session. I discovered that I'm a terrible artist. I don't have the patience or focus. I'd rather never try anything new and fish for compliments in some hole like deviantart than actually improve anything. Realizing this I forced myself to do nothing but studies, exercises, and self improvement. I did not enjoy it nor did I accomplish much. In college I took an art appreciation class that I nearly failed because I only really cared about composition and the mechanics of an image rather than the symbolism and meaning. Later in college there was no time for art and I realized I should abandon the endeavor. Through college, I'd rather spend my limited free time gaming with friends than drawing alone. What's weird is while I don't have the patience for art I can do rather complex math problems for hours on end, lose track of time, and feel like I've accomplished something upon solving it. Hence I don't really regret my educational focus.
I'm kind of tempted to cut back on gaming to dedicate time to practicing art so I could make a decent attempt at these paintings. However, I'm absolutely certain nothing will come of it other than frustration and misery. How do I consistently make time in my life to make time for a hobby I won't enjoy and will take half my lifetime before I can do things I'm satisfied with? I feel this subconscious regret will bother me all the way to the grave. Anyone here that's done that? Sunk a lot of time and effort into art and not enjoy it? I have this stereotype imprinted in my mind that anyone who becomes a "real" artist takes pleasure in every action to improve themselves.