DefiledVisions Sketchbook 2.0 | Back to the basics | apr15

[Odayga]

Upload more beautiful work!! looking forward to it

[Beelow]

Rules only serve as guidelines to follow. Allow yourself the room to discover things. You may run into something that you like doing when illustrating. Tehmeh makes an excellent point. Your still learning inevitably, especially if you are experimenting with new ways of doing things. XD Oh,does that coffee do wonders. I been without it for a week and done little to nothing, hehe.

[snatti]

tråkigt att höra med ångesten, har själv upplevt det, koppla av och gör det du tycker är roligt först och främst, blir aldrig bra om man försöker tvinga sig själv

[Loathsome]

I'm back in the game, I hope you'll join me and the rest soon

All the best man!

[DefiledVisions]

COW wip




replies to you all later. Just wanted to do something to show I'm still alive, although barely take care

[snatti]

Välkommen tillbaka

[Baconstrap]

Fet update commandah, men jag e snart ikapp dig..hoppas jag.

[Metal Fingers]

lookin good you wily bastard! We need to shoot the shit on msn soon!

[Max Challie]

I love that creature man!! Very, very nice head.

[Rob Powell]

awesome stuff man! Love that eye! Very gross in a good way! XD

[Ludic]

Ah, you beast.

Du får ta och komma tillbaka snart .

[Odayga]

Love the rhythm and flow in your work. keep it up.

[MightCrawler]

Yää, nice update. Jag gillar den Ha det bra

[lancer_idenoure]

[JakehC]

that is one juicy eye..

Hows life?

[Jasper_]

Hey man! Haven't seen or heard much from you in a while, hope you're doing well!

[DefiledVisions]

Final.



Thanks for all your really nice comments! I'll try to reply to them when I can.. going to my family in Denmark tomorrow to celebrate christmas so a bit busy. Take care everyone! hope you have a nice holiday

[nim]

looking really cool!! keep that skin of his matte and don't gloss it up too much, looks great that way in contrast to the glossy eye :3 great design!

[midknight523]

Wouldn't want to run into that thing.
Great job!

[Ixallus]

Oh man that looks badass, my only critique is to add the words "om nom nom nom" to the picture.

[Metal Fingers]

COCKSLAP

[Jaro]

Ooh, your COW entry is really great. The way you've posed it conveys a strong feeling of how it's body would twist and turn as it moves. Really one of the best creature designs I've seen in a while. Thanks for the inspiration!

[kischi]

great work!

[Odayga]

I've concluded that we definitely need to collaborate on a creature of some sort. gotta create a world and fellow inhabitants as well. :3.

[DefiledVisions]

Baconstrap - THanks dude, that monster needs to be finished.

Aryeh - True words Aryeh, I completely agree with you. But man must also know his limits. Some times life gets in your way and breaks you down because you have been running from reality. So was my case. Kind words. Thanks

midknight523 - that's what she said

NickyBeats - Thanks dude, what I have come up with so far is that have a process and try to be strict with the steps. For instance, I like to start pushing colours with softlight and overlay, but I have learned to wait with that until stuff is rendered out first. Otherwise I'll start pushing loose shapes and will have to re-work them anyway.

Andres333 - Thanks man, sorry for not replying to your PM. I haven't been able to sit down and write a long message.. you're very right. The answer was within me all the time.

Metal Fingers - You know I always value your criticsm, and again you're laying down the law perfectly. Thanks

Partisan - Thanks. Life sucks. Life is good. Up and down. Sun and shade. Extremes. In a constant flux. Poetry. Is within us all you're doing good!

Wingal - Not quiting, just dying and rebirthing.

Esco - Thanks dude! Yes vi får snacka snart ses i Sthlm

Max Challie - Like a baws

TobzArt - METOO

p_sage - There is a point in life where you've tried everything BUT surrendering and giving up. I got to that point. No other option but to let it all go and trust in God and his plan. Thanks for talking about your process, inspiring! cheers

Odayga - You know I will thanks

Tehmeh - Thanks man, you're an inspiration. Words of wisdom from thah MAYN. Owe you one! Craig Mullins is a good guy.

Odayga - You again? not yet

Beelow - I never drink coffee yeah, I guess I've just been too locked up and insecure in my own art and the process behind it.

Snatti - Tack rätt, allt i ens egen takt.

Loathsome - Thanks Conny! all the best

Snatti - But he left just as quickly..

Baconstrap - Hello Bacon!

Metal Fingers - I'll treat ya to some cool smileys and lots of vodka on msn, you handsome devil you

Max Challie - Thanks!

Rob Powell - Yeah, gross is good! I checked some cow-eyes for reference (the nasty ones that lie on a plate or in a lab!)

Ludic - you beast.

Odayga -

Mightcrawler - Tack! Ha det bra du med!

Lancer_idenoure - (sungod)

Aryeh - Could be better at least I haven't killed myself.

Jasper_ - Surviving!

Nim - Thanks dude, I'll try to. Right now the values are fucked up.

midknight523 - hehe! or swim into it

Ixallus - HAHAHA, omnomnomnom!

Metal Fingers - OH NO YOU DIDN't *with attitude*.. is defiledvisions gonna have to choke ON a bitch?

Jaro - Woa, thanks for sharing your thoughts man. Really glad the bodys movement reads that well

Kischi - Thank you!

Odayga - Totally. That would be so fun! your creatures have been really nice lately! I could use something like that right now,.. I'm in no way ready to commit to a project though my mind is my worst enemy at the moment. But if you'd casually wanna start something I would really like that





Helllo long time no see. Wanted to share some stuff since last time. And give you a short story of what happened in my life.

So, a little more than half a year ago me and my ex broke up. Or actually, she broke up with me. Things just weren't working in the way we both wanted to, she got more and more distant and the times we were together she would withdraw into herself. The intimacy and love that used to be there was almost non-existant. And for some reason I was blind to all of it.

My way of coping with the sinking ship was to shut myself in a bubble and only see the good parts instead of seeing things for what they really were. I would make up excuses that this will pass and that all we need to do is fix it somehow. I took on a caretaker role as I always have throughout my life and I totally victimized myself.

Back then I couldn't see any of this, I didn't know my options, I didn't have any options. I didn't have much choice but to act after the beliefs and programming I had at that time.

Anyhow, so we broke up. And with that my heart broke, literally. I have never felt so devastated before in my entire life. That was rock bottom for me, I thought I was going insane, I wanted to kill myself several times. I spent my nights crying and staring into a wall. I could not eat, I could not drink, I could not sleep, I could not think. I was more dead than alive. I hated myself. I blamed myself for loosing the girl I love. But things also got better.

Through the trauma of my breakup new light was cast on my life and my past. Ever since my teenage-years I have had many problems. I am one of those persons that are good at lying and hiding, because my life has been a lie and I've been hiding myself. I can be smiling and send out positive vibes and you might think "woa, that guy is cool, he's always so positive and happy, he seems to have everything going for him." But in reality I am hurting on the inside, in silence. In reality I have been hurting for many years. My life has been a mess.

I could write many pages about my thoughts and stuff, but I'll keep it short (not really, this turned out quite long!). Those of you familiar with 12step programs might now how Alocoholism affects all the people involved. There is something called ACA, Adult Children of Alcoholics (and other dysfunctional families).Even though I haven't grown up in an alcoholic hime, both my parents come from difficult family backgrounds. I could relate to ACA's material on a very deep level and the feeling of finding answers to all my questions there was indescribable. It was like a veil was lifting; from feeling bad and not knowing why throughout most of my adolescent years to finally have someone say: This is why you are hurting, and you don't need to hurt any longer.

So I started working with myself and I got better. I cannot describe the journey in any other way than dying and being reborn again. From really wanting to kill myself and completely walk through that and turn it into something positive, it's lifechanging.

What have I learned? That history defines and shapes you, but you are not history. You are not locked into being anything you don't want to be or feel like being. You can't run from your history, running only makes it worse. Running hurts. Ultimately running and repression leads to a situation where it's do or die. Where years of repressed emotions and trauma explodes in your face and DESTROYS you. You can, however, face history and accept that it has been and it cannot be changed. But that you are free to create that which has yet to be, in any way you feel you need.

Life wants you to succeed, so life will constantly give you the chance to face what you need to face and help you through it. But all in your time, we run because we have to and need to. It's not as easy as to one day stop and say, hey I'm not going to run anymore, even though that's all it takes.

I have also learned that there is no one to blame, no one to hate. It is no one's fault. For a long time I was really angry at my ex and at my parents. I blamed them for me feeling bad and hurting, especially my ex. And those emotions are necessary, they are important to accept and have. But there comes a point in grief when you have worked through enough of your own hurt and can start see other people's hurt. Suddenly you see that they are hurting just as bad as you are. They have their own history and their own demons to face. Once anger and sadness has been worked through it can be transformed. And people can be seen and accepted for who they are. Atleast I try to do my best to accept them, and at the times when I have trouble accepting them I understand that it's because of the hurt inside of me.

So, where am I today.. I don't really know. Mentally everything's a blurr. Over the past 6 months I've worked through so much trauma and shit, read books and learned so much about life, myself and the human psyche that I'm totally confused. I know a lot, but it's happened too fast. The information hasn't sunk in properly. I'm still in shock. I am still hurting. I still miss my ex a lot. I still want her in my life. But...

I am finding myself. I am starting to do things for myself. For the first time in my 21year old history I can live in ways I haven't been able to before. I feel hopeful for the future, not anxiety. I am starting to accept that it's okay to miss someone deeply, and still go on and live your own life without having them where YOU want them. They are individuals with freedom of choice, just as you are.
I am not afraid or ashamed of myself anymore. I can use my name with pride instead of feeling like an outsider. I used to go by nicknames or my Swedish middlename because I was too ashamed of my first name. But today I have taken back my first name. When I introduce myself to strangers I tell them my real name, and answer the questions that are asked with humor. I have taken back my identity and own it. I can allow myself to be me.. the most important question I am asking myself today is not, who am I, but..Who am I becoming and Who do I want to be? It truly feels like I am shedding an old skin, like a butterflie's metamorphosis.

That's where I am today. Painting and drawing just hasn't been important. I could gladly sacrifice a year of art if I knew that would help me really reach to the bottom of this once and for all, but I too know there is no such thing as "once and for all" - life and the universe is in constant transformation and it's linear thinking to want to reach a POINT of completion instead of BEING. we ARE complete at every given moment. To elaborate, In a moment of hurt, you are complete in just that way that is needed for you to start working with that pain and transform it and deepen yourself.

I wanted to update my sketchbook because I CAN draw and I CAN paint again without having it lead to a mental breakdown. It's slow.. It's not as consistent or impressive as I want it to be. I look at you guys and your stuff in the sketchbook section and I feel that damnit, I want to do daily studies too, I wan't to draw 5 hours every day, 10 hours every day. But, in reality, I'm not ready. I am not in an environment that allows me to do so and it's not what I should be focusing on at the moment either. It feels like I'm regressing rather than improving but that's just my mind..
Most importantly, I am nailing a daily figure-study and have been doing so throughout January. Over 3 years, one figure a day turns into 1000 figures. Raindrops fill oceans. I feel as long as I get that one figure down on paper, I am doing all I have to right now. Some days I feel like more and do a page or two, but other days it feels good to just get that one figure down and then turn my attention elsewhere.

I am happier, but still sad and hurt. I am still heartbroken. But the pain is not only from the breakup, but something deeper. It's accumulated grief over 3 generations, from grandparents passed down to parrents passed down to me. About time I work through it so I can let it go.. not everyone lives to get that chance, and not everyone decide to do it even though they are aware of the possibility. It's not something I'm pushing myself into. It's something I genuinely feel that I want to and need to do, in my own pace. Everything in your own pace..





Enough with the serioustalk.. here's some art. (Bam! talk about sudden break!)

Here's an illustration I have been working on over the past few days for a competition, had to turn it in but feel there's so much more work to be done so I'll see what I can do to really finish it up, and a photostudy I did a few weeks ago and some 'cartoony' concepts for my portfolio.

Bah.. my mind keeps hitting on me saying "study study study" .. damnit

Take care

[Ludic]

Whoa, i'm extremely happy things are looking out for you.

P.S om du vill chatta eller collaborera nån gång så är jag alltid down.

[tobzArt]

happy for you man!

[HumbleHenk]

Herregud..68 sidor. Skall tittas igenom. Scannat igenom de senaste sidorna kontra några av de första ---> Tuuuufft!

[MightCrawler]

I'm happy for you too Really nicely written my friend, you are really good with this things.
Take care man

[Rob Powell]

That was a very refreshing read, good to see things looking up for you. It's always best to look at the bright side of life, even in your darkest times.

Good luck, man!