Comics - Critique these 5 pages?

[pjeanniejean]

These are the first five pages from a personal comic I've been working on. I did them around last September along with starting the next few pages, but then I decided I'm not quite happy with how I've been rendering them, so I'm going to start over.

So, any thoughts on any aspect of any of these pages would be very much appreciated!

(One thing I already know is the chain on the bike in the second page is on the wrong side... whoops.)

[TinyBird]

Well, my main gripe would be the falling down sequence. We don't know there's a road there and the wall is sloped so it's kinda hard to see what is happening or where she fell and how long/far etc (and this is not used for extra "oh my gawwwd she is going to fall a huge way down and die oh wait the fall was just couple feet" drama either) so it bugs me a bit.
Also the tiny disk comes off like a huge hole in the first panel of the fifth page, the black doesn't read as a shadow (crosshatching would be a better choice) especially since the object itself is not black.

Art gripes would be the weird looking trees on the last page (all of the seem to repeat the 3-spiked fork look), as well as the pointy fantasy mountains (or pyramids) in the same panel, as this comic otherwise looks like it happens in the real world, those sudden mountains look bit unrealistic to me, though it might be because I just haven't seen a place like that.

[Giacomo]

Nice work. The narrative is pretty clear and the drawing and design are basically solid.

Everything that tinybird said is good advice. One other minor thing that bugged me was your depiction of the bicycle chain and gears...right now there's no teeth on the gears or links on the chain. It looks like everything's made of rubber, like a timing belt on a car engine.

I have problems with the "falling down" sequence too...she's somehow gotten off her bike between the last panel of page 2 and the first panel of page 3, which creates an awkward break in the narrative continuity. I guess if it were me, I'd do the panels like this:

1. Boink! Object lands on her head.
2. She looks up--where did it come from?--and doesn't pay attention to the road.
3. Over the cliff she goes (with bike.)

I also really want a closer look at the thing that whacked her (and, I suspect, will grant her superhero-type powers in the next installment). It seems a bit of a cop-out to not show it in more detail.

Also, and probably most important: you're taking a lot more space to tell this story than is necessary, and even at five pages it drags a little. If it were me, I'd focus on a) using fewer panels and b) making the gestures and expressions in each panel tell more of a precise story. (The "doink" panel really works well in that regard.)

Hope that is of some use.

[kyurai]

Hi there,

i like the start of the comic, it s enough to make me curious what happends next and what the coin/pebble really is .

I am a beginner is the comic area so please don t take the points below to seriously.

The little things that bother me a little are:

-the connection between page 2 and page 3. You re changing the angle for the viewer quite a lot. The first panel is the beginning, the girl rides her bike. Then she gets hot by the pebble and falls. But you re changing the angle in the last panel of page 2 and the first panel of page 3. Then you re switching back again.
I think it would look better if you keep the same pov in all panels.

-also, what happends to the bike when she falls ? i assume it remains on top of the wall but we can see this only in the last page.

- the first 3 little panels of page 4. the third little panel is a bit confusing. The head of the girl from the previous panel and the head of the guy in this panel look very similar and their positions in the panel are also the same. At first read i thought that in the last panel the head belonged to the girl. Only after looking at it again i saw that it s not and that it s the guy.

- on the last page, in the first panel the coin/pebble looks like a portal that s what i first thought.
- also on the last page, in the last panel, i had to struggle a little to see the connection and to find the girl continuing her bike ride. I think the pov is to high up or the girl doesn t stand out enough.

[pjeanniejean]

Wow, thanks for all the advice everyone, you all pointed out some stuff I hadn't thought about before. I will rework these pages and post up the new pages as I get the sketches and pencils done. Thanks!

[Chris Sanders]

ok ive skimmed through this a couple of times now, and this scene is lovely, but wrong. asuming that the wheels are going in the same direction (they seem too) and the ground is level (again, seems to be) those wheels should look somthing like this. im doing a lot of vehicle perspective atm an yeah. i know its a comic and all, but still want to be aware of stuff like that. i also agree with the others, the fall is all over the place. its like that car falling scene from the blues brothers.

ive looked at this again and theres a lot of other things like the seat and the person that need to follow that line as well. right good luck.

[pjeanniejean]

Ah, yeah, I tend to have trouble with perspective, but I'm trying to get better... I will definitely go back and rework it (well, in the process of doing that now actually!) Thanks for the help and the redraw

[fractal_medley]

I like the falling down sequence. When I first saw it I could feel the pain of falling off of a bike and down an embankment. I could feel the scrapes and the cuts but also knew that it wasn't that bad of a fall and that there were no serious injuries. It's very well-drawn.