Pages for Pitch

[Jbeihl]

http://cargocollective.com/jabeihl#1499556/Antideluvian
New Project I am working on, feedback welcome.

More to come 7-20-11

Cut the top establishing shot down a little to focus in more on Ramses leading Eve down into the depths of the palace. I also did not like the topmost part of the ceiling. Felt the architecture was getting inconsistent, so rather than re-draw it I have decided to go full-steam ahead. My main goal here is to maintain a consistent page-rate per week. So I am not going to stress over every detail this is more of an exercise for me as opposed to "war and peace". Had fun with the bottom panel where he is basically saying "behold!" The next few pages will deal more with the Neanderthals and the genetic experiments the Greys are going to conduct on them. Stay tuned.

[TrommelART]

I like it! nice and clean. and if the poll is a question on these pages I would say just ad a little bit of colour. but not to much. for example, you can put some colour in the characters or leave the characters white and put just a tiny little bit of colour in the emviroment. depends on what is the most important thing in the page. lead the eye with the colour some more. I think you should experiment with it and maybe afterwards it seems better just to leave it black and white. but give it a shot! I am looking forward to your next post on this one!

cheers,

Vince

[Jbeihl]

Thank for the feedback. I will get around to putting some color in a few pages, and see how they look. got two new pages coming this week.

[Jbeihl]

lol just realized the slapper's right hand needs to be finished. Ugh allergies make me so scattered. Keep a lookout for the corrected version and subsequent pages.

[Rikkenian]

Overall, I'd say you're doing a good job with the technology and architecture, but your human form needs some work in proportions and faces.

Also, pay attention to your line quality throughout. For example, on the final page the lines start heavy with a varied width on the man's head and the background, changing to almost sketch quality on the women's bodies and fabric.

Lastly, watch the ponytail on one of the man's attendants. It moves.

[Busterismo]

In my opinion, it looks good in black/white..maybe just add some grayscale tones for shading if time permits,..

i would have to point out though an obvious awkwardness in your anatomy and figures, as others before me have already mentioned...

i like the fantastic elements though... its quite interesting to look at.

[Galeo]

I like where you're going with this, it definitely shows a lot of potential. I especially like that you managed to sprinkle the egyptian influence throughout almost all of the outfits, characters, and set pieces. However, there are a few things that bother me.

Page 1 - I like this page. It's simple and straightforward, although I'm not sure exactly what's going on. I'm assuming the partially dismembered guy is the pilot? And the interior of the ship is confusing as well, especially as there's no obvious relationship between panels one and two, other than there are people with big heads in both. Panel three is nice.

Pages 2-3 - I really like these pages. The four panels spread across the top are great and do exactly what you want them to do. The last panel is a great establishing shot for the city. The only thing I would change is to go back and make it so the ship is approaching from the left. It keeps continuity with the previous panels and "forces" the reader to look at that beautiful city you've drawn.

Page 4 - Excellent job in panel one of pulling back from the previous establishing shot. Great continuity. In panel two, perhaps have her walking toward the main guy instead of having her be next to him all of a sudden? In panels three, there's a strange perspective switch that throws me off, as all of a sudden the female character isn't there. Also, the columns appear a bit off, perspective-wise. Panel 4 is okay, although I'm not sure quite what that expression is. Panel five--all of a sudden she's further away? Continuity is falling apart a bit here. The last two panels of the page are good, but a.) you cut across the implied line that you've established between the main characters, which is a bit awkward, and b.) he doesn't look angry in the second to last panel.

Page 5 - Very powerful first panel. Excellent use of line to establish motion. The last panel is powerful as well, but I'd be careful of jumping around too much. Again, you've almost moved across that psychic line between characters. Also, the way she's leaning, she's about to fall on her side. If she was trying to prop herself up, she'd be using her left arm for support and have her right hand up around her neck (that's HER left and right, not ours).

You've got a very solid start here, but I think it needs a bit more work. Anatomy, like most others have said, is a big issue, and so is line quality. I think you could learn a lot from people like Sean Gordon Murphy (EXCELLENT storyteller. He usually has notes about why he did what he did with his comic pages), Ryan Ottley (Just very good, very solid overall), and, of course, everyone who wants to be a comic book artist should read Scott McCloud's books. Also, go to a life drawing class, experiment with different media, and draw from life whenever you can. (As a side-note: I'd recommend using a ballpoint pen when drawing from life. It helps you commit to a line and worry less about little mistakes that will happen less often as you get better anyway. Look at James Jean and the way he sketches to see what I'm talking about.) I hope I haven't been too harsh! Thanks for being willing to put yourself out there.

[Jbeihl]

Thanks to everyone for the views and for the constructive feedback. I should note to people the change in the quality of line between the architecture and the figures is intentional in so far as I am trying to create a different feel ( organic vs synthetic) or fluid vs stiff. Hence why the lines look so much sketchier on the female attendants, and to a certain extent on our slap-happy, bald-headed antagonist. I will concede though, that I do agree with the person who had an issue with the positioning of the arms on the female propping herself up on the last page. Thanks again to everyone who has shared their thoughts thus far and do not hesitate to offer constructive suggestions. Keep a look out for page six coming as soon as I have a free moment! It should be noted that one of my influences is Rick Leonardi. I may also post some older work up here too that is a slightly different genre. Keep a look out!
-J

[Jbeihl]

[QUOTE=Jbeihl;3139886]http://cargocollective.com/jabeihl#1499556/Antideluvian
New Project I am working on, feedback welcome.
More to come 7-16-11