Introverts

[Sonia Leticia]

Fellow introverts, or those who are close to individuals who are shy/quiet/etc...
How do you deal with the timidness? Or how do those you know deal with it?

I've been like this my entire life, and I'm realizing that I'm pretty lonely, as it's difficult for me to socialize..(My 4 year relationship with my boyfriend recently ended and realize that he was my only close friend)..

I enjoy being with people, and talking with them, but it's hard for me to get over that initial 'fear' to get to that point.
I'm getting really frustrated with myself and how self conscious I am.

I want to get out there and make friends and network with other artists and people in general, but I'm struggling. How do you deal with feeling like this? Can someone really change themselves to be more outgoing?

[Stacybean]

Can someone really change themselves to be more outgoing?

Yep! The things that helped me were:

1. Alcohol
2. Getting a job where I had to small talk and socialize a lot
3 A lot of self-reflection, fake-it-til-you-make-it, and hard work.

Good luck!

[Kino_PuA]

I used to be a introvert. Than I learned the art of seduction and pickup and bam now I'm super extrovert!

[cloudcan]

All you really need in order to be more outgoing is to want to be outgoing. You have to practice it just like you have to practice anything else you want to get good at. Now me, I'd love to want to be more outgoing but I hate being outgoing, I'm happier by myself in general. True introvert right here o_0

[Sonia Leticia]

Stacybean - Thanks for the thoughts

Kino_PuA - Guess it just takes practice lol

Cloudcan - There's no doubt I enjoy my alone time, but does anyone really enjoy perpetual loneliness?

[blogmatix]

I want to get out there and make friends and network with other artists and people in general, but I'm struggling. How do you deal with feeling like this? Can someone really change themselves to be more outgoing?

Put yourself in a position where you have no other choice. I used to be pretty shy myself. Then I became a school teacher by profession and suddenly had to speak in front of an often bored, unwilling and indeed even hostile audience, every day.

Took me about two hours to shake off the shyness, and now I am even more confident with adults as well.

Somewhat strangely and rather gratifyingly, it didn't change my personality: I am still pretty much of a loner and I still enjoy solitude. But I can also deal with social situations now in a way I couldn't easily before.

Thought that just occurred to me: Perhaps you could start up an organization for shy people, something like Alcoholics Anonymous, except for shy people rather than alcoholics. In the meetings people would then do what they do at AA meetings: get up and talk to the whole audience about themselves. It's the only way to overcome it.

[cloudcan]

Cloudcan - There's no doubt I enjoy my alone time, but does anyone really enjoy perpetual loneliness?

People are different, lol. I get more lonely when there are people around.

Blogmatix - good idea, but catch 22... although, I suppose the cycle has to be broken somewhere

[Sonia Leticia]

Somewhat strangely and rather gratifyingly, it didn't change my personality: I am still pretty much of a loner and I still enjoy solitude. But I can also deal with social situations now in a way I couldn't easily before.

That's awesome that you're a teacher; I commend you sir. And the fact your personality didn't change makes me happy. I don't want to change myself as a person, for the most part I think I'm a good person, it's just I have trouble bringing down my walls and putting myself out there.

Thought that just occurred to me: Perhaps you could start up an organization for shy people, something like Alcoholics Anonymous, except for shy people rather than alcoholics. In the meetings people would then do what they do at AA meetings: get up and talk to the whole audience about themselves. It's the only way to overcome it.

I actually LOVE that idea.. Haha, wouldn't that be something? I wonder if something like that could actually be pulled off.

[iambanana]

As someone stated before me, alcohol. Yes, seriously, alcohol. Some of the shyest people I know have broken free from the mold with alcohol. Sorry I couldn't suggest some rainbowy flowery supersolution.

Just... you know, drink more.

CA.org - offering really sound advice for life.

[BlightedArt]

I was an introvert while I lived at home. Had my own little comfort bubble etc. Then I moved out to another city by myself and knew nobody there. That's a great kickstart to force you to get out and talk to people, if you're in a position where you can do that of course.

[TinyBird]

I'm very introverted, but I'm by no means timid. I have to say, I thought introverted meant that you like being alone and by yourself (which is a problem to me as any sort of social gatherings tend to be a real drag to me but damn I can't remember people's names and faces without it), not that you like being with people but are afraid to go meet them/talk.

But I agree with Blogmatix, you have to put yourself into position you can't avoid it, because just relying to alcohol will not necessarily teach you to get over shyness (especially if you end up thinking you have to drink, which to me isn't a healthy mindset), and you'll be likely to still get problems when you're sober.
To me a lot of it was just forcing myself, like if I got too shy to call someone, I literally forced myself to push the "call" button before I put the phone away in shame and deal with the situation. To me the problem was more getting to do something, rather than actually doing it (like the calling, I worried too much about talking to the person before I even called which made the problem). Eliminating the situation forcefully forced me to start reacting and get the thing done, which was much more easier and eventually got easier to get into without shyness.

[tobbA]

Yeah. Introversion = enjoying being by yourself more than socializing. Otherwise you're just shy. We're all partially both though, so even introverts need some kind of social interaction to be happy.

[Angel Intheuk]

I used to be painfully shy and hated it then moved to a new city on my own and looked for jobs near the cultural quarter and luckily managed to bag a receptionist job in a business centre for wierdo artist types that had monthly networking events (read: free piss-up). So a combination of all three of those and now I'm the first to ask questions in group situations, which I would have rather melted into the floor than speak in a room full of people before.

I like the Shy Annoymous idea too so cute.

[Sonia Leticia]

Definitely all great things to think about .. and I actually am in a position where I'm looking where to live next. I just haven't decided yet where to go. I'm right outside of NY, it's just so expensive to live there, I might head down to Maryland, or maybe Virginia.

TinyBird - I definitely feel like that's something I have to get over. I get this weird anxiety, like this stupid grand build-up, just for something as simple as a phone call. It's frustrating because I KNOW it's silly, but can't help it.

Angel Intheuk - That sounds awesome.. I can see how that'd get ya to open up. Thanks

And as for the alcohol thing, legally, I can't as I'm underage in the states (20), and I need to find people to drink with! lol

[SkullClutter]

I was very self-conscious and introverted as a child and in high school.

What helped for me was to join a community theater group. The group I joined did fun fractured fairy tales, well-known children's stories, and adult farces and were generally an easygoing bunch that didn't take themselves too seriously. This was really a two-birds, one-stone situation for me:

- Got practice speaking in public, but knowing what I was going to say and what my fellow actors would say in turn was comforting
- Meet lots of new people. No choice; each show you do will have a whole new cast.
- Gradually I found myself being less and less worried about looking stupid in public.
- Group was cheap to join, and open to actors of all ages. Don't want to act? Lots of work backstage to be done and production meetings can be a bit less intimidating than auditions or rehearsals. Plus you still get to be backstage during the show and hang with the cast afterwards, and at the cast party.

[Velocity Kendall]

fight club?

[Randis]

When i was young i worked as a waiter in a chinese restaurant

[PO]

My art got me out of a lot of my shyness. I realised people responded to it, especially girls. My first real relationship started earlier this year basically because of my art ( it initiated things with a certain girl ), it is over now but i am not really shy anymore. Also studying architecture helped me, learned how to talk in front of people. My relationship also helped me in a lot of ways, I realised some things about myself, like that I was " the most un-superficial person " she'd ever met, and I had never really reflected on myself like that before. Although that relationship left me feeling pretty broken afterwards, I am glad it happened I think.

Also self realization helped me, I eventually realized and learned not to give a shit what people think about me. I know I am a genuine person and that I treat people how I would like to be treated. I have never really hurt someone or at least intended it. I have confidence in who I am as a person and for that I try to love everyone else around me. With self realization and fulfillment I can then share that fulfillment and love with other people. Obviously there are still insecurities, everyone has them, but I have definitely changed.

I dunno if alcohol leads to self realization though, that is something I will disagree with. It does hide insecurity and awareness of doing something stupid in front of people. I will say that weed also helped me though in terms of changing how I saw the world and myself.

[NoSeRider]

The world is full of fuck ups that'll carry you to hell in a hand basket. Once you realize there's a lot of people out there that really don't care about your well being, why should you be timid and shy and not stake out your sense of self preservation?

Before you think that's a really a Machevalian view of life, why do you think we're in a Recession? Because people of high influence were looking out for the common good?

[PO]

The world is full of fuck ups that'll carry you to hell in a hand basket. Once you realize there's a lot of people out there that really don't care about your well being, why should you be timid and shy and not stake out your sense of self preservation?

Before you think that's a really a Machevalian view of life, why do you think we're in a Recession? Because people of high influence were looking out for the common good?

There are a lot of good people out there. Empathy is hardwired into each human being, but society has lost it.

[Lady Medusa]

I find that energy drinks help a little bit on that socially burned out feeling.

Or listen to Chopin. He's almost magical. Other introverts have agreed that he gives that little confidence boost required for social interaction. Have it just loud enough to hear it, but so you can hear other people talking at the same time.

[Black Spot]

Having children has made me a lot more in your face. I now natter to total strangers all the time and make little old ladies miss their bus stops.

[Kahel]

Well... I guess I've always been an extrovert in a sense that I tend to thrive on other people's energy rather than be exhausted by it. Often in social situations I just think, "what the heck, what's the worst that could happen, right?". Like say, when you ask a stranger for directions. At best, you get directions and possibly a new friend. At worst, he gets cranky and snaps at you, but in the end both of you go home and forget about it. Pros: you'll never miss an opportunity to learn something, meet someone, experience something new. Cons: well, let's just say you might end up with a lot of funny or embarassing stories to tell for parties, which, come to think of it, isn't really such a bad thing. This is just my opinion of course, but I think people get shy when they worry too much about the worst thing that could happen if they express themselves more, you know? We fear rejection, judgemet, and embarassment, but when everything's been said and done, evetually people just get over these things. So yeah, go for it. Ask a stranger what time it is, compliment a co-worker's outfit, smile at the checkout counter. Oh, and get off the computer. Facebook is great and all, but yeah, nothing beats being liked in person.

[Conniekat8]

I want to get out there and make friends and network with other artists and people in general, but I'm struggling. How do you deal with feeling like this? Can someone really change themselves to be more outgoing?

Feelings can improve... by action. Once you've gone through a few more positive experiences, it gets easier. It's the first go-around that is the most difficult. Building a support system outside of a relationship can also take some time.

There are lot of ways to go about it... the best is to start with people around you.... school, work, wherever you frequently see people.... start by showing a bit of interest in them. Compliment them on something... Like, OMG, I love your shoes, or a purse, or a sweater etc... people love compliments, it breaks the ice, and people almost never reject someone off the bat for giving them a compliment.

Most people aren't super likely to change from a total introvert into an extrovert, but there are things most of us can do to improve the situation.
Also, it gets easier as you get older

Cloudcan - There's no doubt I enjoy my alone time, but does anyone really enjoy perpetual loneliness?

Even those of us who like spending a lot of time alone, need social interaction at some point, otherwise, even introverts, get out of whack.

Assuming we're just talking about normal range introversion, and not a more serious psychological problem.

I'm really good at neglecting to interact with people until it's so late that I start getting mopey and depressed etc... then I realize it's probably because I had almost no social interaction for a week, or two.... or, since being with my husband, months can go by that he's the only person with whom I socialize. Then i realize I need to get out more, and it's always awkward when I have to do that 'all over again'... explain to people I know, why I haven't contacted them or returned calls for months and months.

I actually LOVE that idea.. Haha, wouldn't that be something? I wonder if something like that could actually be pulled off.

If you do a bit of googling, you'll notice that a few of those already exist...
for example: http://shyness.meetup.com/

I just googled 'shy people support group' and lot of stuff came up.

[Pavel Sokov]

Used to be an introvert, then I approached socialization like a psychopath would, by breaking down the formula and learning it, then applying it.
What helped is that I thought I was better then everyone else at the time.

I faked my confidence, and soon enough I had real confidence. Too much of it I may add. It is easy to make friends that way. But then you stop caring for it. I now spend time with friends that I choose as my best ones that teach me the most. Don't care about quantity anymore.

I suggest you fake social grace until it becomes internal.

[Nakhon]

I used to be an extrovert (still kind of am...but not much). Then somewhere along the line I became introverted. I think a lot of it had to do with my environment, and the stress of life.

To be honest I don't like being introverted too much. I found out along the way that one of my vexations is not being around people. It actually drives me kind of nuts and makes me irritated if I don't go out. Even out for a walk somewhere by myself is fine and puts me at ease. This is why I try not to use the internet so much...but I lose alot of the time. :/ Also, being an 'Impaired Empath' doesn't help when being out sometimes either.

at some point, Socialization...HERE I COME!!

[stabby2486]

I think the problem with most introverts is that they keep to their selves for the wrong reason. They want to be outgoing to look cool in front of their peers, not because it's holding them back from something they actually want to do. And it's this desire coupled with the fear of failure holding you back. It's because you give a crap about what people think of you when you shouldn't. You also gotta realize that people aren't puzzles to solve or games to play, they're human beings like you.

I kind of had the same problem, still sort of do. At my old school I wanted to hangout to look cool, there being no other reason to do so is what held me back. Now that I'm at a school devoted to the arts, I actually do hang out with people, because I actually want to talk to them, because we can actually relate.

[Wooly ESS]

First off, you need to get rid of the notion that being introverted is somehow a failing. Our society is mostly extroverted and has a way of demeaning anyone who is not. Being introverted is healthy, normal and a productive way to live your life.

Secondly, you are not "shy" or "timid" just because you are introverted. You just don't care to waste your time in shallow, brainless babble.

Having said that, social interaction is essential to all human beings. Keep the numbers small; one-on-one is the best, but a group of three will work also. As the group size goes up, the energy required to stay engaged becomes wearing. Additionally, seek out groups that share your interests. You will find engaging discussions on favourite topics with one or two other people very rewarding and productive, and you WILL participate. Join clubs / take classes / etc. in subjects that interest you. You will meet people you can talk to and make friends.

The internet is NOT social interaction.

I am as strong an introvert as you are ever likely to find. The thing is I am old enough to have learned that introversion a highly functional and satisfying way to live your life. I am retired now and I spend days alone, comfortably, working on my art, but I also meet on a regular basis with a small number of people with whom I share my passions and my life. I also speak publically and assume leadership roles when circumstances require, but find it draining. I am married and have adult children. I rather enjoy the eccentric reputation that seclusion and odd interests bring!

I hope this gives you some insight. Also, I recommend that you Google Myers Briggs Type Indicator. You will learn a lot about yourself!

Oh, by the way - don't look to alcohol as a solution. I've seen too many good people flushed down the toilet in a gush of booze, who thought alcohol was the solution to their social problems.

[Tonberry]

Sonia,

I'm an introverted person, and very timid. I clamp up and stay tense at work all day long, and stutter when a supervisor, a female stranger, a little kid, etc, talks to me. It hurts my people - especially work - relationship pretty badly. I have few friends, but when I am with people I trust, or believe have nothing to lose to, I become giddy and talks a fair amount. So the condition is not permanent or thorough.

Over years I have tried to fix it by:

1. Alcohol, but, alas, I found out I'm allergic to beer!
2. Take up customer service jobs so I was forced to speak and deal with clients face-to-face hourly.
3. Take Dale Carnegie training programs
4. Attend seminars on the art of listening and communication
5. Force myself to attend parties when invited, and made mental note to speak with EVERYONE at the party once arrived.
6. Attend toastmaster sessions
7. Go to book study groups where I must sit in group and speak.

Results:

I was better when I have the customer service job, when I attended programs, and when I did not spend too long of a time (weeks) without attending social events.

When I stopped/became unemployed, the timidness came back twice fold, covering me like some mucus, then hardened and layered. The longer I spend without some kind of practicing, the more harden layer of timidness there grow, and it became harder to break out later on.

Social event tire me out, and when I "over-social" without enough alone time to let my mind settle, it also made me a bad person to be around.

Conclusion:

Practice makes permanence, or at least longer duration. Also, you are the kind of person you are. Ain't nothing wrong with that. Don't deny yourself the alone time when needed, or you'll go haywire. Wrecking a budding friendship only takes one sentence.

[littlebones]

What Wooly said... there's nothing wrong with being an introvert. Befriend other introverts. They get it.

I felt a lot of shame and pressure when I first started university to get drunk and go dancing at clubs when staying in with a good book honestly sounded better to me. At first I thought, well, I'm just shy and I need to push myself to go to these parties and then I'll surely like them more, but I never did. Some people are just solitary folks. No shame in that.

If you're just shy you have to just go through social interaction and realize it's not so scary.