[comic] Like a jesus , book 1

[airman]

Finished a little story of a comic book
The name is Like a jesus

here we go

Comic strip of like a jesus
It's free and it will be a complete upload

It will be little stories in a city of the united states , Miami

The heroine is Lilibeth (family name unknow for now)
You gonna follow her adventures into those little web comics.
She have the same abilities of Jesus +some more abilities (like flying in the air)

She is also an activist and she is against the current government and against the politicians who runs Miami.

Lilibeth can bring back to life a dead , but you have to pay 1 million dollars to her .
1 Million = 1 resurrection of your choice.




The first story , the book 1 features a poor guy who live in the streets for ages , lost his job, family doesnt even remember him etc
He will find a woman who will save his life...






Page 1/35



Page 2/35



etc
you can follow the whole story here
Like a jesus BK 1 new ver


I could change and re-uploading depending on changes to do.
thanks.

[michaelharris]

The format of this is killing the entertainment factor. Alternative formats can work for comics, but this one is drawing entirely too much attention to itself. Instead of seeing a story I see these weird circle things. It is kind of like watching a movie that has words pop up saying, "SCENE CHANGE" during every scene change.

Just draw some regular pages.

If you are going to write in English, (It doesn't sound like it is your first language) you need to speak better English. The entire comic reads like someone who can't speak English very well.

[Spikings]

I hate to say this, but I was really interested in this but the circle panels are really killing it. It restricts the amount of drawing and general space, making it feel almost suffocated. In small doses it would be effective, but 198 panels of it? I'm not sure. I wanted to, really wanted to read it, but the circles put me off. The drawings themselves are a good basis, but I don't know if you're wanting to work on top of that or keep the sketchy style there.

[mazetta]

Nothing I can add about the art, but the title is very reminicent of that 'LIKE A BOSS' meme that's going round, so you might want to consider changing it.

[airman]

Thanks very much guys for the feedback

michaelharris
I didnt wanted to put you into this bad mood , wasnt the motive i swear
so i'll draw regular pages.
Yeah , english is not my first langage , sorry for the lack of grammar and nice stuff , i do my best tough.
A bit stressed but maybe if people give me a shot , with the time i'll improve ?
If i write in my natice , if i put there , people will get angry.


Spikings
Okay
thanks very much for your honesty , i'll change the circles , i'll update all of this and make regular basics.
I'll use circles for some occasions and special events ?

For the drawings , yeah , i love doing this even if it's strange , i want to work this style and see where i go with that !

mazetta
It's really bad ? i found the Name very cool


edit
i started , here is a first test
it's better ?

[Pezz]

You can choose to make everything the same size on a grid but make the panels prominent not the gutters (the black part).

Link to article on 9-Panel Grids, you can also use 6 panels.

Your lettering is overwhelming the artwork. It's like reading thick heavy story chapters and squinting at small artwork in the corners of the page. Make your drawings tell the story, dialog should be secondary. I should be able to look at a comic and get a general idea of what the hell is going on just by looking at the pictures. And I honestly don't know what the hell is going on.

[airman]

i see

for the panel and the gutter
thanks very much , i'll study this for the next episode



drawings are secondary here ?
i'm really surprised since no one told me that
Maybe the beginning of the comic seems lack of drawings
sorry if you get angry to not get what was goin on

I didnt had time so there is no real background study and a lot of drawings etc
i can't repeat heavy details right now, no time so i have to be very lack in drawings.

i'll try to find a way to put more drawings next and make situations more clear.

here is the comic final re-uploaded


Like a jesus BK 1 new ver

Nothing changed in drawings , but i changed the circle thing and added some things here and here
i think it's a bit better now ?

The purpose is not to make a crazy detailled comic here , i just dont have time .
so the purpose is to try some things like this crazy sketchy art .
sorry if people hate

I added some pages in colors anyway , you could find them if you read untl the end.

[Spikings]

I would agree that the gutterings are too large and impose on the images, but that can be fixed easily if you enlarge the panels. I don't mind the text too much, but examples like the fourth panel above show so much space for the text and it hides some of your sketchings. As for the story, I'm actually finding it easy to see what's going on and where now. The images feel less constricted with square panelling and the composition in most of the panels makes it easy to see where the character is, what they're doing and why. At least, it's better than many comic pages that come through the Critique Center. I'll be interested to see if you develop this, or come up with something new in the future.

[airman]

I would agree that the gutterings are too large and impose on the images, but that can be fixed easily if you enlarge the panels. I don't mind the text too much, but examples like the fourth panel above show so much space for the text and it hides some of your sketchings. As for the story, I'm actually finding it easy to see what's going on and where now. The images feel less constricted with square panelling and the composition in most of the panels makes it easy to see where the character is, what they're doing and why. At least, it's better than many comic pages that come through the Critique Center. I'll be interested to see if you develop this, or come up with something new in the future.

Thanks very much!

I'll try to fix the glutter space next time(kinda boring to do that on this episode )

i'll try to make the second episode and post it here

[Stacybean]

Hi Airman!

I think you got some good advice here especially from Pezzle. I don’t think she is saying your art is too small and understated, I think she is saying that the lettering is making your art look that way because your letters are too big and overstated.

I think your title is fine, the Like “a” Jesus is a little awkward since Jesus is a pronoun so it’s be like saying “Like a Brian” or “Like a New York” but as long as you’re aware of that I don’t really mind it.

I enjoyed your story a lot so I went through and fixed a few glaring grammar errors. Things a little off but sounding like they could come off as colloquialism I ignored because it bothers me when a translation becomes too stiff. I know you can’t have translation help all the time but maybe this will help you in the future I’m not sure.

I’m not sure what you want to do about punctuation. You use ellipses but you put periods where they’d be fine not to be and no periods when usually there would be.

Pg. 1
"current day" not current days
"it's hard those late days" do you mean "it's hard late in the day" or "it's hard lately"?

Pg. 3
"sorry to bother you" or "excuse me" not "excuse me to bother you"
"I want to connect >for< one hour" or "for an hour"

Pg. 4
"info" not "infos"

Pg. 5
"haven't" not "didn't"
lower case b in Beautiful, period after true (very important).
no 's on zoo animal

Pg. 6
"okay" or "o-okay"
It might be more clear if you said "mirror" instead of glass. Glass could be anything from a window to a fortune teller's ball.

pg. 7
"worked in the web cafe" not "worked into the web cafe"
"I have a concept", no capitals in the 3rd panel
"you are very unique on your own" kind of redundant statement, I'm not sure what you're trying to say here
"as she accepted, I started working on the new concept." implies that he started working at the same time that she was accepting his work. "she accepted and I started working on the new concept" works better here.

pg. 8
typo "immediately"
"The number of clients grew. As I predicted, the income went up."
"Look at them. Seems like it's really working, genius!"
"The new concept I created kept us from problems and bills for a while.."
definitely not definitly
"top okay" not an expression. You can say A-okay, great, or just like okay or something else.

pg. 9
"I'm seeing someone" not "I see someone"
"You were dumped by those people."
In the last panel is she making a promise to him about what she will do in the future, or telling him what she would not do to him? If it's the latter she must say "I would" in both sentences instead of "I will".

pg. 10
no comma after murdered. No comma after what.

pg. 11
"ho" must be a direct translation...in english a surprised interjection is more like "oops" or "ah!" "ho" is more commonly used now as a shortening for "" so don't use it
"Please! I won't be long!"

pg. 12
"where the hell'd she go?"

pg. 14
"finally I died few after" "finally" means it happened after a long time waiting. Few after means it happened just a short time later. Which do you mean?
"It was her" not "that was her" lower case h on Home

pg. 15
panel 4 says "she" as if he were talking about her. Panel 5 says "you" as if he were talking to her. It may be more clear if you say her name in panel 5?
"Karen, you erased me of this city after you saved me. But now I'm back thanks to..."

pg. 17
"You said you were a good person. And it was true, you saved me. But after that.."
move not Move
"I was afraid that you'd leave me"

[airman]

wow , thanks
Just before continuing , i'll update the first post
the end of the story is not page 16-17
there is like 37 pages


Ok for pezzle i get it.
Sometimes people says , letters are too little or hard to read sio i wanted to make a police size big enough to avoid this kind of problems.
Next , i'll reduce again.

Like a jesus , yeah i created this title when i was young , my english was utterly awful at this time but the point was to make a statement of a person who act or is Like Jesus was.
The pronounciation of the letters of the title L.a.J is kinda nice .
For me , the only thing who annoy me is that the title make the comic look like a religious one or it's not (some people asked me if it was about jesus , etc etc)

So from the concept "a girl who have the same skills of jesus but at our time " , i think the title pretty fits.


For my write , periods and not periods at the wrong time , i see , it's a part of my low skill grammar in english. i'm sorry , most of the time i refer it like in my native langage .
It's not like the comic ask a lot of money to pay , anyway , like you said , i translated all by myself , with a pro it would be better .


I'll pick your changes and put it in the comic
thanks again.


edit

"it's hard lately"?
I mean hard lately yes
I was implying that people those late days with crisis and bank crisis have not the mind to give charity
Sorry , i can't explain much better.

Pg. 6
"okay" or "o-okay"
It might be more clear if you said "mirror" instead of glass. Glass could be anything from a window to a fortune teller's ball.

Okay, thanks very much for the explanation.


pg. 7
"worked in the web cafe" not "worked into the web cafe"
"I have a concept", no capitals in the 3rd panel
"you are very unique on your own" kind of redundant statement, I'm not sure what you're trying to say here
"as she accepted, I started working on the new concept." implies that he started working at the same time that she was accepting his work. "she accepted and I started working on the new concept" works better here.

I used capitals on concept to imply that it's something important , something that 'll change their life , the Concept (i didnt precise because it's not important , it's the consequences wich are important)
So that's why i used capitals to make it unique despite it's a common word.
But i dont know, maybe it's still a grammar mistake.

"you are very unique on your own"
I wanted to say her that she found him very unique and special , the begin where she falls in love of him
That's why i exagerrated the thing , maybe too much.
I'll stick with something like "you are very unique you know ?"

"top okay" not an expression. You can say A-okay, great, or just like okay or something else.
Oups sorry lol , this should sound awful to you

pg. 9
"I'm seeing someone" not "I see someone"
"You were dumped by those people."
In the last panel is she making a promise to him about what she will do in the future, or telling him what she would not do to him? If it's the latter she must say "I would" in both sentences instead of "I will".

Okay
i used" i see someone" because i think i heard that into a Us tv show , so i repeated it , but i could have been mistaken or the people used it into a different context.

In the last panel , yeah kinda a promise ,or something she wants him to believe strongly or something she said under frustration of being rejected.
so it's more telling what she will not do to him...



pg. 11
"ho" must be a direct translation...in english a surprised interjection is more like "oops" or "ah!" "ho" is more commonly used now as a shortening for "" so don't use it
"Please! I won't be long!"

Okay okay thanks !
yeah haha we use often "Ho" , i forgot , sorry.

pg. 14
"finally I died few after" "finally" means it happened after a long time waiting. Few after means it happened just a short time later. Which do you mean?
"It was her" not "that was her" lower case h on Home

I mean happened short after , like 10-15 minutes maybe
he got a bullet in head so it's kinda fast. a bit exagerrated tough ...


pg. 15
panel 4 says "she" as if he were talking about her. Panel 5 says "you" as if he were talking to her. It may be more clear if you say her name in panel 5?
"Karen, you erased me of this city after you saved me. But now I'm back thanks to..."

ahh i see!

okay , thanks i'll do that
seems better yes !!


pg. 17
"You said you were a good person. And it was true, you saved me. But after that.."
move not Move
"I was afraid that you'd leave me"

Okay for move .
thanks for the last correction

thanks very much for all that.
it's really cool.

[Stacybean]

I used capitals on concept to imply that it's something important , something that 'll change their life , the Concept (i didnt precise because it's not important , it's the consequences wich are important)
So that's why i used capitals to make it unique despite it's a common word.
But i dont know, maybe it's still a grammar mistake.

I think I remember reading some authors who did this before. I think Tolkien capitalizes like "Man" and "Ring". It always annoyed me a little bit but I think it's ok as personal choice.

"you are very unique on your own"
I wanted to say her that she found him very unique and special , the begin where she falls in love of him
That's why i exagerrated the thing , maybe too much.
I'll stick with something like "you are very unique you know ?"

That sounds good.

Okay
i used" i see someone" because i think i heard that into a Us tv show , so i repeated it , but i could have been mistaken or the people used it into a different context.

The tense makes it seem more like an immediate thing, but I suppose it works, it may have just seemed more off in the context of other grammatical errors.

thanks very much for all that.
it's really cool.

No problem. It seems like a neat story so far and it deserves to not have people trip on it because of translation (even though it's a really good translation for doing it on your own). I hope you continue to write them.