DISCLAIMER AND WARNING: If you don't find crude language and pixellated cruelty/depravity funny then this is not for you. Otherwise, read on.
in 1989, Sierra released an EGA adventure game called The Conquests of Camelot. It used the old text input system of previous Sierra games, but now coupled with a mouse. This was their SCI1.1 interpreter engine before they moved to full VGA mouse/icon driven games.
The game is based on popular aspects of the Arthur legend and is surprisingly well researched and lot's of fun. But...playing it the right way is only scratching the surface.
Sierra programmers always took into account that players would type in expletives and such and used to type in little hidden reactions for the players benefit. This became even more prevalent during the SC11.1 era and later with the VGA games, you could produce funny results with depraved icon use.
When I was bored one day, I tried to get Arthur to kiss his treasurer in Camelot Castle. The results were...surprising to say the least. I know some of this stuff has been documented in the Camelot wiki...but here is a visual guide of the wrong way to play the game for your pleasure.
Please note, I am going to type in some really disgusting and childish things...but the whole point is, one of the programmers had already thought of responses for these requests! I am going to skip through chunks of the game and some of the more obvious mistakes to showcase what moments I found really funny. I hope you find them funny too.
Our Story Begins.
This is our "hero" King Arthur. This is who the player controls.
PART ONE: THE HOMOPHOBIC TREASURER
One day I was in the treasury of my castle when I decided to see what would happen if I attempted some bearded love on my manslab of a treasurer.
HAHA, what?? I knew at that moment that one of the more 'creative' Sierra programmers were behind this game. I made it my quest to BREAK Conquests of Camelot and plum the depths of it's depravity.
PART TWO: MESSIN WITH THE MERL
First stop was Merlins chambers. Now, Merlin acts as your narrator and advisor through the game. He is quite stuffy and will be a source of constant amusement for me as I blunder through the Arthurian legend. He travels with you in spirit but in the beginning you actually meet him in person.
I decide to mess with Merlin for a bit. He can't stand being threatened or having his belongings molested. Doing so will result in him turning you into a fleabitten dog.
This is probably the quickest way to get 'killed' in the game.
PART THREE: 'FAITHFUL' GWENHYVER
Gwenhyver. Now in case you don't know, a major part of the Arthurian legend was Gwens love affair with Launcelot. This was a major issue in the legend. While she loved Arthur, her heart belonged to his greatest knight. It was a well known secret.
I wonder what would happen if I told Arthur to beat her...
Haha ok...um...how about one for the road?
Before I leave, Gwen gives me this parting fact.
PART FOUR: COURTYARD COUPLINGS
Haha, poor guy
Then I try to gross out Merlin as much as I can with my two beasts of burden.
A pure man I ain't.
Incidentally, you are supposed to pray and stuff before going on this journey otherwise the portcullis slips down and bashes your brains out.
PART FIVE: WOODY ENCOUNTERS
A mystical forest...
Hey! A hunter! I wonder if he'd like some royal sex?
Is that a no?
Then I mess about in the woods a bit more. Merlin is not impressed with what I tell the game to do.
Later I encounter a crow who is a messenger for the Black Knight. He issues a challenge or something and I'm supposed to say yay or nay or some shit. But instead I cuss him out and only by dropping an F bomb on him will you get this response
Then we meet the Black Knight!!!
Pish posh! I'm a lover not a fighter!
But for the sake of the following hilarity, I kicked his ass so I could mess with poor old Gawain.
PART SIX: GROSSED OUT GAWAIN
In the next screen I found faithful Sir Gawain
Well, maybe this will lift his spirits
Believe it buddy.
Meh, I'm going to scout ahead, catch you later Gawain.
Oh! Guess he was a bit worse off than I thought...hmmm...I wonder...
Bah! See you on the flipside Gawain
Then I meet some nasty old witch.
Yeah...she turned me to stone and I had to restore a game.
Then I met a monk.
I greeted him back in my usual manner.
PART SEVEN MISCELLANEOUS MISTAKES
Yeah, I skip some stuff here. I was supposed to rescue Launcelot from the frozen version of the Lady of the Lake. I tried to warm her up with a bit of sex...
So I left...oh and I kind of forgot Launcelot there too, I guess.
Eventually, after crossing a desert and some other small random adventures, I found a well I was really thirsty so I dived right in.
Then I wanted a snack. I tried to eat my Donkey, but no dice.
PART EIGHT: JERUSALEM JOLLIES
I encountered some toughs at the gate. So I decided to show them I was a real man.
Later on I tried to kiss a leprous beggar...
Whenever you try something sexy with a Jerusalem resident, they insult you...and MAN do they insult you! I mean, I was actually shocked, seriously look up what that guy just said to me. I'm not going to translate it here, but it made me blush.
I'LL KILL YOU FOR THAT OLD MAN!
Later I restored my game and tried to beat a street urchin
Then I wandered down an alley that has -no- bearing on the game and found some tasteful drawings on the wall and a fly blown dead dog.
I thought this looked like a good place to sniff the sweet air.
Later on...I saw the butchers daughter at the window.
Oh just give it a rest Merlin!
The butcher was not having any of it though and buried his cleaver in my head.
I restored my game and later encountered the lovely Fatima. I had to pass some test or something and prove that I was a good and moral man...but I wanted a little sugar for my trouble.
It was worth it.
PART NINE: THE CHOICE!!!
In the catacombs I found Galahad. The place was rat infested, he'd been bitten and was sick or something. Little buggers bit me too! Luckily I had an elixir to relieve the symptoms...
I thought maybe some intimate affection would help Galahad...
NOW I FACED A HARD CHOICE!
Well...I think I don't think it's that difficult a decision. So I drank the elixir. Sorry Galahad, that's life in the big city.
PART TEN: THE GRAIL!
Right! I found the location of the grail...first let me see how my score is looking.
Meh, looks fine to me.
It's ok I guess.
WHAT? WHAT SIN????
I was going to get him on the way back!
Well...I thought it was the right thing to do at the time.
I honestly thought he was going to bounce back!
Yeah well...I just got one thing to say to you Merlin!
Thanks for reading! I hope it made you smile at the very least!
Address all complaints to Sierra Online.