Diary of a Mad Black Artist

[Newman101]

Good work so far man. I really like your work (particularly the Frakfurter on the first page... The Donald Trump/Jabba the Hutt creature in post 101 is pretty cool too). Overall theres not much I can say. Your obviously working hard and it shows. Keep at it and you've got places to go!

[Ghast]

syrella- thanks bud!

Newman101- NEWMAN...lol thats all I could think about when I read your post haha. Much obliged for the kind words

No matter how much I use digital, I will always love pencil on paper. So much more character that no computer can capture. Theres also something about designing alien/demonic politicians, diplomats, chamberlains, etc. that just speaks to me...nothing like politics and hierarchy on an infernal scale.

[Ghast]

I had typed something profound about my thoughts, and then I stupidly closed the preview thinking Ihad already posted it...So I'll give the abridged version: Sketches from MET, followed by figure drawing session, things i notice wrong with my life drawings yada yada, intimidated by leaving school and becoming concept artist yada yada, HAVE DESTINATION find way to get there.

[LtPlissken]

You are definitely moving in the right direction,
it's so good to see so much looseness and relaxed
feeling in these last figures. They will never find
a way to kill you, you are harder than a rock.

[Big Orange]

Great stuff; I had fun going through your sketchbook (nice horses).

[Ghast]

Big Orange- Much obliged and happy to hear it

LtPlissken- Dude I will never get sick of your responses. They really are a great inspiration however simple they may be (compared to your usual lengthy posts). Always get a good feeling out of seein that bold white print

Between a weekend of an intensive musical performances, the biggest night of the year at my internship, and complete lack of internet for several days I have fallen behind in updating. But I finished up a sketchbook and started another (rather nicely if I do say so myself). I also began reading Art and Fear again, which helped clear my head quite a bit. Though I still feel like my work is lacking something. I love so many different styles across the board and want to try including a little of everything, but many are so opposite each other that it seems unlikely to be able to do it (at least at this point in my life). I think I might just be getting sick of always trying to be realistic, since when I think about it, some of my biggest joys come from looking at heavy stylization. Case in point, Samurai Jack (Awesome for practicing 3 value comps though), and more comic-esque work, like Joe MAD and his work for Darksiders. I guess I'm getting too wrapped up in focusing soley on fundementals...I'm not really having as much fun as I do when I'm just dicking around. I often get wrapped up in the amazing work here that frequently consists of well rendered studies and finishes, but its not always what I want to do. No doubt its very good, like playing scales and etudes in music, but if I were to do nothing but scales and etudes I'd lose my mind...BUT I DIGRESS.

I guess if I were to have a goal in mind while starting this new sketchbook, it would be to take more risks and draw fearlessly. As a pro once told me, "don't be afraid to let your career tree bend". So if I feel like drawing a cartoon demon with a gasmask face and an ice cream cone that looks completely unrelated to concept art then GODDAMMIT I'm gonna draw a fuckin demon with an ice cream cone that looks completely unrelated to concept art. Will it look nothing like a want it to? YUP. Will I be unhappy with it? YUP. Will I once again question my abilities and career choice as a concept artist? YUP. Will I give up? FUCK. NO.

"You make good work by (among other things) making lots of work that isn't very good, and gradually weeding out the parts that aren't good, the parts that aren't yours.

[Ghast]

Finally up to date, the last few pages of my last sketchbook up through the rather aggravating figure drawing session from yesterday. Yesterday was the first day I did not stay for the full duration of the session. I tried forcing it after a really long day, I was in no mood to draw, mentally or physically, and it had unpleasant results. So from this experience I learned not to force drawing. If I don't want to, there is nothing wrong with taking some time to myself and not drawing. However I always feel like this is a failure on my part, as I feel I should be able to draw endlessly. Of course this is complete bullshit as I am, nothing if not human, so it is an impossibility. But I still feel like if someone else can do it, than damn it so can I. I think the biggest reason I get so angry when a drawing is not going my way, or when I begin to think about my future as an artist, or more commonly, when I see work that is better then mine, is because I keep working to be the best at something, anything, in art. And the idea that there is no best and that there is always someone better than you is absolutely infuriating to me, because by that logic, any and all jobs that I apply for I have no chance of getting, as I always seem to be on the tail end of skill level. Of course, art is also about finding one's niche in the world, but to me, failure to become what I am working towards (in other words, becoming something else not in my original life's plan) means I have given up because I could not make it. And quite frankly that is unacceptable and I would do a great many thing in life before I say I couldn't do something I worked towards...

Its an endless debate with myself, as for every negative perspective I have encountered a piece of advice or proverb that counters it, and vice versa. It never ends, and probably won't, even if I do get that dream job, or whatever the hell I am looking for.

Its simply an off day for me as an artist. But I will, most likely, get back on the horse tomorrow, as I usually do every time I feel like this. To my credit, I'm stupidly persistent...

This kind of writing is incredibly therapeutic.

[p sage]

We've all experienced to some degree the things in your latest writings... the frustrations, the realizations, etc. At the end of the day, deep down, you know you love drawing.

It sometimes takes some digging, but you'll find what it is that makes drawing joyful again. For me, lately, it was going and finding pics I really liked and doing study drawings of them. Not just copying; but copying by trying to understand how they worked out the problems in the drawing... how did they do the lighting? The perspective? What were the big shapes? how did they manage to make them look unified?

Also I found that thinking of 'drawing' in terms of 'potential job' makes the whole thing less fun. Instead, I think in terms of drawing first, and forget about the job stuff. Focusing on potential competition will have a wilting effect on your drawing pen, IMO.

Something will help reignite your passion... then all the frustrations will seem trivial. It may take some digging. It did for me.

Good luck.

[Ghast]

p sage- I appreciate the advice dude. Always appreciate anything that talks me off the rooftop as it were. I just feel like I am eternally stuck in a rough patch with my work and it's getting aggravating...really aggravating.

Bridgeman hands, life drawing from zoo, figure session, etc.

I took a small break for a couple days, played some tf2, did nearly nothing art related, but now I'm back, feelin better, and hoping to ONCE AGAIN try finding what I want from my work. I have done virtually NOTHING in the way of exercising the areas that I originally aimed to improve upon this summer. I started trying to practice things digitally, tried doin some CHoW/CoWs, tried just coming up with all sorts of weird creatures and monsters...but amongst the hubbub I realize I completely forgot my aim and just went back to doing studies. People I talk to find it odd that when I actually have free time in the summer, I don't use it to do my own art, but rather studies. And more studies. I think that I am still in that obsessive mode of thinking that if I do as many studies as I can, I will finally be able to make all my ideas come to life. But in addition (and more likely then not) I'm doing so many studies because I've done them for so long and so often, that I know I can do them, and I am always comfortable knowing that I can usually copy something pretty well. Thats not to say I am mindlessly doing them...I study and try to understand them each time to the best of my abilities. But I guess deep down I am still afraid to start designing my own stuff, since it will remind me that I still am so far from where I would like to be. I always just get mad at myself and default back to studies. And the more I think of it, the more I think I am becoming dependent on this kind of work. I notice I don't really have many ideas let alone inventive ones, and as much as I want to (like most people here) create all sorts of monsters and maniacs for a living, I just can't come up with shit.

I talked with a friend today who made a good point. One that I really want to try grab ahold of and keep in mind while I work. That as nice as it is to be able to create beautiful and well rendered pieces, at the end of the day, its the idea that matters and leaves the most impact with the viewer. I think that may be what I've been missing for so long now. Specifically because of this idiotic and obsessive nature of mine that causes me to focus on being better then others rather then being myself, and trying to emulate things that have already been done rather than trusting in myself to make a decision in regards to design. And as much as I love this site for getting critique and looking at art, in hindsight, it isn't always the best thing for me personally. The instant I see work that is better then my own (be it in sketchbooks or especially in CHoWs or CoWs...either way theres a shit ton of it here) I immediately think "I need to be better then this person, but what do most people seem to like?...the stronger looking pieces of work..." and then I just get agitated because my designs look nothing like other peoples. Which, like most of my artistic thoughts is COMPLETE BULLSHIT since they shouldn't and I would lose all originality. Which is another issue that I feel faced with...I want to be in this industry so badly, but I don't want to lose the traits of my work (don't ask what I couldn't tell you) that make it mine. A lot of the really strong work here tends to look the same in terms of style and execution and it worries me. I want to be able to do that but I want to be my own man...I just want to do my own thing and not have any inhibitions about it. What's stopping me? I have absolutely no idea...I think too fucking much...I hate it. I absolutely, fucking hate it.

[eclip-se]

Cello? Respect! Great stuff you have, fav: 1 2 3 4 5 and more..
On the last 2 pages i can feel big step forward keep it up.
And thanks for stopping by, you'r right about the unfinished stuff, i should push them more and i will for sure.

Cheers!

[Ghast]

eclip-se- thanks! and no problem dude happy to offer critique

I have this goal of filling an entire moleskin with nothing but hands and feet, 2 areas I am sorely lacking in. And all of this will hopefully be done by the end of the summer so about a month and a half's time, since I see no better way of improving then a metaphoric full frontal assault. I did a batch of bridgemans then tried to apply the same structural logic to photos of my own hand. 3rd page is all from imagination. Everything else is from refs. It seems to be going ok so far, I feel like I am absorbing what I am studying...I am still pushing myself to do more application of my studies to things from my imagination. Well, onwards and upwards as they say

[Ghast]

I'm not feeling talkative. I've been away for a while, and I've taken a short break, but I have kept busy even while away on vacation. Nothing is more stimulating and refreshing than any event on the beach. The age old self argument, do I swim or draw? I did both, and it was amazing.

[Pete Hidalgo]

The studies are looking real good man!

[Black Spot]

The instant I see work that is better then my own (be it in sketchbooks or especially in CHoWs or CoWs...either way theres a shit ton of it here) I immediately think "I need to be better then this person, but what do most people seem to like?...the stronger looking pieces of work..." and then I just get agitated because my designs look nothing like other peoples. Which, like most of my artistic thoughts is COMPLETE BULLSHIT since they shouldn't and I would lose all originality.

Hey, I just think that this time next year, I'll be drawing like that or maybe better or maybe different but just as good. Nothing to get yourself down about especially as you're doing swell.

[andrewg2442]

Hi, I really like your sketchbook. Your figure and hand studies are looking really good - you seem to get a good sense of volume even when using a thin, sketchy line. I also like the zoo sketches and the alien diplomacy guy at the top of the page. anyway, great job, keep posting!

[Ghast]

Pete Hidalgo, andrewg2442- much obliged and thank you

Black Spot- as always, lovely to hear from you, and always useful. I will try to keep your words it in mind

Long story short, returned to school, left for surgery, now miserably behind, taking far too many credits despite this, desperately trying to get through in one piece. That said, barely time to sketch and study for myself, the usual fears and disgust in regards to my artistis development, but I am trying to post here again in the hopes that I can try and keep my head and get critique, since I feel I do not receive enough from my classes. At the moment, a WIP, trying new stuff with digital, trying desperately to get better with this medium, also because I do not have time to work in oils since falling behind. Also a piece where I was messing around with styles (specifically Tomer Hanuka's). I feel very lost of late and hopefully if I really put in the effort of contributing to this community, the weight of trying to make strides in concept art will be lessened

[LtPlissken]

It’s very interesting to read your thoughts, I always like and respect
when someone keeps his sketchbook as a diary.
Posting not only drawings and paintings, rather words,
feelings and thoughts also. And you started to do that, so don’t stop, keep writing
what’s on your mind, draw your demons and paint your angels. Been neglecting
this sketchbook for a few months, sorry cause of that, but I am happy that I’m
here in the end. Some of our current frustrations can turn to our future biggest motivations.
So don’t get frustrated cause of getting frustrated. Now that sounds
silly but I think deep within have some meaning. Haha, anyway, cheer up, cheer
us up and hit us with another update. Oh, and I didn’t understood the surgery part,
and your surgery painting. Were you the one who went under a surgery or were
you the one of the doctors who performed a surgery on someone?

[Ghast]

LtPlissken - it is always a joy to see your bold colored typings of encouragement. I truely appreciate it. I will resume keeping this place as a journal of my artistic endeavors. And as far as surgery, I was subject to some knee surgery a month ago and this piece made it's way into my head after the recovery began.

I....am feeling refreshed. HA. Suck it, I am actually content and happy with my latest creation, albeit a decadent speed painting intended for 3 hours that soon bled into about 5. I have never rendered anything digitally, nor have I ever attempted a speed painting, and considering these fact I am quite pleased with this evening's results. Plus, having purchased a life-size skull at long last I have been eager to put it to use. Though there are still areas that I want to pick at, teeth specifically (pun unintended) I am posting it as is, as I feel I have learned a great deal from this nonetheless, if not so much in the form of technique, but rather in terms of where I stand artistically. My eternal concern as I have mentioned previously is the knowledge that others in this wide universe are better...nay, merely, further along than I in the way of art. And this study, though simple to most people here, is something that I have never done before, and it proved to me that I am further along than I give myself credit for. I am confident in my abilities but after going a long time without having the time to invest in something for myself, especially with classes and being behind from surgery, I began to feel like I had lost the skills that I at one time felt pretty good about. I am filled with the notion that god damn it I'm going to reattain the artistic and psychopathic joy that has since been lying dormant and despite how shitty I may feel, I will get over myself and not only get back on the horse, but hoist the beast upon my shoulders and run several miles with it. To hell with thoughts of outdoing my fellow artist! It is a notion that I am not proud of that I have and will undoubtedly retain through my lifetime, though there is nothing stopping me from attempting suppress or better yet rid myself of this malignancy. Regardless of comparison my work is my own! And at the end of the day my goal should not be to outdo, but to bring life to my ideas as only I can! And though I will inevitably revert to my usual, moodily artistic, self-loathing self at times, I want to be able to come across this and realize that these words, these works, these ideas and concepts are my own. This entry came from me. I typed it, and I made the piece that follows it. So I will, at a later date, be reminded that there is truely no reason to fret, and that regardless of how I feel about my work, I am, and have been, making great strides in my brief time as an artist.

It's good to be posting again.

[Ghast]

Just doodling in photoshop, another thing I never do, but I'm happy with it so far. It felt awesome to do creature related things after having to endure my school's illustration program, which I have realized is horribly slanted to freelance traditional children's book and editorial illustrators. I'm tired of nothing but figurative work, and while I know its important, the work I've been making has been ill representing my preference in careers, and being a Junior, a portfolio would be nice, one that I can actually use would be even nicer.

[Lakai]

U have some nice designs here. Also good variety of studies.
Keep it up!

[Black Spot]

The teeth on that skull are awesome. It's the one bit of texture that really works. Do more skulls and see if your get the bone texture up as well.

[Ghast]

Lakai, Black Spot- Much obliged! I will keep texture in mind for the next time

I am tired, and returning to the insanity that is this semester tomorrow, but if there is one thing I wanted to say it was that I think I should stop being so selective of my influences. I returned from seeing Rise of the Guardians ecstatic and jubilant over the enjoyment of the movie, and more specifically, the icy villain the is Jude Law's character, Pitch. I haven't felt so happy and inspired in a long time. Childhood villains have been my earliest artistic influences...but I promptly rode this villainous inspiration to quickly doodle some rather cartoonish (and borderline fanart-y) sketches, and it felt quite good. I should just draw what I feel like at the moment and absorb as many influences as possible. Being on this site where realism and rendering is always the goal (I aspire for it myself 90% of the time), I often forget that I can do whatever I want with my work, including gathering inspiration from animation and cartoons, two things that have been a huge part of my life so far. Just something to keep in mind.

This however is not cartoonish, but a WIP of a long overdue piece for school. Oils...I forgot my love of them....

[Ghast]

I am very much ready for this shit storm of a semester to come to an end...and still my work shows no sign of my interests in creature design or concept art...I have no clue where I am going in that regard...fuck.

I can't tell if this is too dark...need to add color. Still doesn't feel like "me" despite the sad excuses for monstrous faces. I just want to get back to studies...

[ja1307]

Hey man great to see you still posting. I really admire the way you throw your self into all media and explore so many different ideas and techniques in your work. Really love the loose expressive quality in your line work, it really adds movement and life to you figure drawings. I always think its best not to have too specific an end goal in the early stages. Just draw, learn and draw what you feel like doing. I guess in time what you want to do will become apparent to you. I think having a goal like becoming a concept artist is great. Its a great way to keep you motivated and focused on drawing but should never feel you have to tailor you work around that if that makes sense. Think you doing a lot of fantastic stuff and I bet its filling your head with a lot of ideas that you can tap into as and when you chose. Keep up the good work.

On a side note given how much light must be coming through that window I think there should be more lighter values overall, not just the rim light you have down at the moment. But I am no expert on light so might just be chatting bs.

[LtPlissken]

Good to read your thoughts and your new diary entries. Hey, it’s
totally natural to want to be better than the others, maybe it’s harsh
and rude for someone, but not for me. In every sport and in every activity
the human being, the human side of the human being, thrives to be better
than the other. It’s just within us. Well maybe it would be too much to base
your art life purely on becoming better than the others, but one part of it
should be focused on that direction. And it’s a real nice feeling when you see
that you rendered better a skull then someone else, who invested less time or
effort in studying the same thing. It’s like a price that you have
to feel and to go with the full enjoyment.
As your own top quality and potential is concerned, that’s a tricky one,
we will never know or achieve our top potentials, that is if we keep thinking realistically.
Even if we will feel sometimes that we are very good at
doing something, there will be still more to achieve or even more to evolve.
Good thing that you bought yourself a skull, that’s what I would like to do myself
also. Excellent training subject, drawing and painting a real life skull or skeleton.
I wish you to get better with your knee, I suppose it was an ACL injury or a meniscus
tear? I have left knee meniscus tear which surgery I am procrastinating for a few years
now, hoping that I will be able to live with it till the end of my road. However, I know
it’s not easy, any kind of injury, surgery is a huge stress just as on the body as it’s on
your mental state and soul. Remember to always think positive, even if it’s hard to
do so in most occasions.
The last painting, the three creatures looking at the lighted up window; you should
think about the light sources. Do you have only one light source or two? If you
have only one light source, coming from the window, then the creatures backs, will
not be lighten up at all, they would go total black, because of the high contrast.
Plus the shadow casted on the bottom of the window, by the middle dude is impossible
in that scenario. If you have two light sources, assuming that the second light source
is behind them, then the shadow is ok on the walls, and then their backs should be
lighted up even a bit more. Hope that my points are not too pointless, and that
my half empty rant, full of grammar errors will help you at least a bit.
Wall of text ending now, hope I wasn’t too much of a pain in the pine.
You be good, think about nice things, and take care till our next meeting.

[kamikazel33t]

I just wanted to say that you've come a long way. It may seem that everyday that we have to overcome the same thing everyday which almost seems that our progress is halted because it is the same thing which keeps hitting us "I am not as good as this guy" we keep saying this to ourselves everyday that we feel like we've made no progress because technically that became our goal. Personally I've also gone through the same hardship and had to endure it but then looking back at my progress I've seen that I've grown and become much better than I once was. I also see that me myself pursuing arts is a miracle in itself because I was raised in an environment where ignorantly people think that you have to be talented to draw. It's funny though because I used to always think that calling an artist talented is a massive compliment but now I see it as word which as been used so lightly and sometimes now whenever somebody says it to me I just try to say thanks in return but in the back of my mind I am always thinking that it's not like I magically picked up the pencil and learnt to draw. While this may seem unrelated it reminded me of how much I should be proud of how much effort I've put into and the journey I have traveled.

Another thing which I also wanted to say is that art is all about experimenting and the progress I've seen was because of your willingness to do so. With all that media you have opened up yourself to, I also say use this experimenting as the fun of drawing and not the end product. Think of it like this, when you were a kid you were probably exposed to finger painting right? What really made it fun, it was the joy to be able to play around with what you could with the paint, it was the curiosity which truly brought you joy and not the end product. In conclusion just enjoy playing with what you can do to your art try to mess around, explore, and invent because new ideas don't come your way unless you look for them.

The journey to becoming a better artist is an infinite one, so make the most of it and enjoy the trip.

[Ghast]

LtPlissken-Much obliged. I've been meaning to make that window less recessed to try and remedy the lighting a little better. I suppose I learned a little bit about lighting from this thing at least, even though its flawed as all hell, which is good I suppose, having leared through miserable failure. I'll post the final version soon...I wish I had the time to fix everything wrong with it but with everything else that college throws at you it gets very difficult.
kamikazel33t-thanks bud that means a lot. I think I forget far too often that I'm supposed to be having fun doing what I love rather than trying to ensure every end result is perfect and free of flaws. Very detrimental...I like the finger painting analogy.

I am Finally done with this infernal semester. I am home, it is late, I am not talkative, I am somewhat frustrated, and feeling very lost. So until tomorrow, and hopefully a return to more regular updates since there is actually time in my life to breath again. Sketches from the train ride home and today's studies

[Ghast]

Good gravy I have been TERRIBLE about uploading...I've been focusing on improving gestures of late so heres a few from the last few days. It's nice to see drawings from the a few days ago, then drawings from the summer, then finally noticing that what I've done today is noticeably better than both...

[Mane]

these studies are coming along nice man, remember to follow the line of action and push those lines when drawing gesture studies, draw one side of the form and then relate to the otherside. alot of times one side of the form will have the action or just be more interesting other lines will distract from that.

[Ghast]

Mane- Thanks dude. I've been trying to keep that in mind lately. Gettin it slowly but surely

College leaves little time for updates, but I don't feel like as much as a schmuck with oil paints now. I go to extra figure drawing sessions each week, I'm taking an anatomy class which is helping quite a bit, and am in a generally good mood with my work. I mean I still am not happy with it but it's more of a healthy lack of satisfaction. I can do a painting and not immediately start bashing it if it is not going my way which is a nice change. When in doubt, just take the next small step.