jokes

[GoGoJojo]

@ kelly x: in my family we call them groaners...uuuuuuuggggghhhhhhh.....

[N D Hill]

What do you call a fish with no eyes? ... Fsh

I've been trying to think of a way to use "buccaneer" in this sense forever. Dammit!

Ready for a bad one?

How much does a pirate charge for corn? ... A buccaneer!

[Raoul Duke]

These jokes are all so innocent. It's rare to hear a joke I can tell to my grandma. Thanks for keeping these jokes clean.

[SMILEFACE]

how did the elephant get into *Safeway .... IT TOOK THE S' OUT OF SAFE AN THE F' OUT OF WAY





*(safeway is a grocery store in Wa dun know if the have em any wheres else?)

[alesoun]

Knock, knock
Who's there?

Boo.

Boo who?
Aw... don't cry...

[N D Hill]

knock knock

who's there

Nine-eleven

Nine-eleven who?

You said you'd never forget!

[kelly x]

OK here's one my son told my about 1o0,o0o times!!
Knock Knock,
Who's There?
banana,
banana Who?

Knock Knock,
Who's There?
banana,
Banana Who?

Knock Knock,
Who's There?
banana,
BANANA WHO?

Knock Knock,
Who's There?
Orange,
Orange Who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana again.

[GoGoJojo]

I know safeway.
[edit] ooh! forgot a joke. Uh...let me see...what's black and white and red all over?...A newspaper.......uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggggg ggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh............

[DSillustration]

ooh! forgot a joke. Uh...let me see...what's black and white and red all over?...A newspaper.......uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggggg ggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh............

Or....
a nun falling down the stairs.

[nauvice]

Or....
a nun falling down the stairs.

or Berlusconi's suit

[crossmirage]

[Irishdrunk]

Bwahaha! crossmirage, that took me a second to get.

MOAR Priest and Rabbi Jokes.

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it’s a bad one. Both
cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is
hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest’s
collar and says, “So you’re a priest. I’m a rabbi. Just look at our
cars. There’s nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign
from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and
live together in peace the rest of our days.”

The priest replies, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign
from God.”

The rabbi continues, “And looks at this. Here’s another miracle. My
car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine
didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate
our good fortune.” Then he hands the bottle to the priest.

The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to
the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on,
and hands it back to the priest.

The priest asks, “Aren’t you having any?”

The rabbi replies, “No…I think I’ll wait for the police.”

[kelly x]

Irishdrunk!!! Hahahahahahaha, and hearty haha!! Great!

[Irishdrunk]

Awesome, then heres another

A Priest and a Rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the Priest turned to the Rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The Rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The Priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the Rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?

"The Priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The Rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?

The Priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The Rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the Rabbi says, "Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

[DSillustration]

A penguin is driving through Texas when his car starts to overheat.
He barely makes it into town and rolls into the local mechanics shop.
The Mechanic informs the penguin that it's going to take him a few minutes before he can take a look at it.

"I'm really hot, is there some place I can get something cold to drink while I wait?" the penguin inquires.

"Sure." says the mechanic, "There's a place right across the street."

So the penguin waddles across the hot Texas street and enters the shoppe the mechanic pointed out to him.
"One vanilla ice cream, please", the penguin orders.
On the verge of heat exhaustion, the penguin quickly and messily eats his ice cream with great fervor.
"Ahhhhh!" the penguin sighs with relief.

10 minutes later the penguin waddles back across the street to the mechanics shop, where the mechanic is awaiting his arrival.

"It's looks like you blew a seal", the mechanic informs him.

Motioning to his face, the penguin replies "No, no, it's just ice cream."

[Elwell]

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick.

[Dan!]

Two guys walk into a bar... a third one ducks.

[alesoun]

Guy walks into a bar with a duck under one arm and a biscuit tin under the other . Puts both on the bar and says to the barkeep, "This is the world-re-knowned tap-dancing duck"

Barkeep looks at him and says, "Show me"

Guy puts the duck on the tin and, sure enough, tap-dancing duck.

Barkeep; "Woah! I need an attraction like that! How much?"

They agree a price...

Later that night, the barkeep phones the guy. "The dancing duck was a success, but how do I stop it dancing now?"

Guy; "Blow out the candle in the biscuit tin"

(Hey, I never said it was a GOOD joke! )

[Costau]

Two antennae got married.

The ceremony was horrible but the reception was great.

[alesoun]

What lies at the bottom of the sea and quivers?
A nervous wreck...

[Elwell]

A duck walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and asks, "got any gwapes?"* The bartender says "no" so the duck leaves. The next day, the duck comes back, goes up to the bartender, and says, "got any gwapes?" The bartender says "no" so the duck leaves. The next day the duck comes back again. He goes up to the bartender and says "got any gwapes?" The bartender says "look, duck. We don't have any grapes today, we didn't have any grapes yesterday, and we won't have any grapes tomorrow. If you come back in here asking for grapes one more time, I'm going to nail your feet to the floor!" So the duck leaves. The duck comes back the next day, goes up to the bartender and asks "got any nails?" The bartender says "no." So the duck says, "got any gwapes?"

*because he talks like a duck

[alesoun]

Hahahah! You win on the duck jokes...

[crossmirage]

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

[N D Hill]

what did the Buddhist sat to the hot dog vender?

Make me one with everything.

(follow up)

The Buddhist hands the hot dog vender $2 for the hot dog which costs $1.75. As he's waiting for his quarter, the vender points to the cash register and says "change comes from within."

[alesoun]

Knock, knock
Who's there?

Nicholas

Nicholas who?


Nicholas girls shouldn't climb trees...

[biglu]

A young man walks through a park and sees an elderly man sitting on a bench crying uncontrollably . The young guy walks over to him to check to see if he is O.k.!

Young Guy: Sir, are you Okay?

Old Man: Yes, it's my birthday today (and he is still crying)

Young Guy: Wow, it's a special day for you.

Old Man: Yes it is. I'm 82 today (and still crying.)

Young Guy: Even better, you look great for your age.

Old Man: Thank you, and I just got married (and he is still crying.)

Young Guy: Married!! Gee, that's great! 82 and married, wow! You've got a whole new life ahead of you.

Old Man: Yeah and I married a 25 year old.

Young Guy: Holly Molly!! Even better.

Old Man: We have sex every day! (he's till crying)

Young Guy: I don't even have sex everyday! Do you realize what a lucky person you are, why are you crying?

Old Man: I've forgotten where I live.

[thespirals]

a guy walks into a library and he walks up to the librarian and says
"hi! can i have a burger and fries?"
the librarian gives him a funny look and says "umm.......this is a library..."
the guy says "oh! im sorry....can i have a burger and fries?"

what do you call cheese that aint yours?
nacho cheese

what did the 0 say to the 8?
nice belt

what do you call a cow with no legs?
ground beef

what do you call a cow that jumped over a barbed wire fence?
udder destruction

[Elwell]

Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 789.

[ZenzybaR]

Bob, Joe, and Jack go into the jungle and are caught by a wild cannibalistic tribe. The chief says that they may leave if they can complete two tasks, the first of which is to each go out and find 10 of the same fruit.
Bob with 10 oranges and the chief says that the second task is to have all 10 of the fruits pushed into his anus without changing his facial expression, or die. Having no choice he agrees but after the third he screams from the pain and is killed.
Joe returns with ten grapes, hears the task and agrees. At 8 grapes he bursts out laughing and is killed.
In heaven Bob says to Joe "why the hell were you laughing, you were almost free.' And Joe replies, 'I saw Jack with 10 pineapples.'

--------------------------------------------------------

A pregnant woman gets caught in a car crash and falls into a coma for 12 years. When she awakes, she instantly panics and asks about her child. The doctor says to her 'you actually had a healthy set twins, a boy and a girl, and they've been well looked after by your brother.'
She is content for a moment but remembers that her her brother being an idiot may have named them badly leading to them being pick on in school. So she asks 'what is my daughters name?'
The doctor replies, 'Denise'
She replies, 'oh, that's not so bad. And my son?'
'De'nephew.'

[TASmith]

"What does a black man get himself for Christmas"

And just when I was going to thank you for the first two jokes. Thanks for killing the Christmas cheer...