jokes

[nofu]

What do false teeth and stars have in common?
They both come out at night.

[alesoun]

This thread is not what I though it would be (thankfully).
Two countries separated by a common language indeed...

I don't know what you thought it would be, Elwell :-O



What did the Christmas cracker say to the blonde at the office party?

Get your coat, love,- you've pulled!

[Elwell]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cracker_%28pejorative%29

[Jason Manley]

thanks elwell. thread renamed

[alesoun]

Thanks for the explanation, Elwell. Over here it's used to describe a tube of paper with a small toy, a party hat, a snap and a piece of paper with a corny joke in it.

We put them on the tree and set them at places on the Christmas dinner table.

Two countries divided by a single language indeed. Amended the last joke so it's not offensive...

[Elwell]

No worries on my end, I know about Christmas crackers, I just thought it was funny. Over here we have a comedian, Jeff Foxworthy, who's entire career has been built on "you might be a redneck if..." jokes, that's the first thing that popped into my mind when I saw the thread title.

[alesoun]

How can you tell you've had elephants in your fridge?

Footprints in the butter.....

[sin-d]

What name do you give a dog with no legs?

It doesn't matter, he won't come to you anyway.


What kind of bees give milk?

Boo-bees.


Silly...I know.

[Line]

For those who are into heavy metal this one might give you a giggle.


What did the Master of Puppets say to the old blind guy?

"Taste me, you will see!"

[Demo]

Photons have mass........
I didn't know they were catholic.....

Umm yeah sorry my girlfriends in higher level chemistry and other sciences ...

[DSillustration]

Modigliani walks into a bar.
Bartender asks "Why the long face?"

Why is there no Walmart in Afghanistan?
Because everything's a target.

[TASmith]

Not a good one, but Grandmassa's joke reminded me of this, from The Earth is Flat:

In Africa, if a gazelle wants to survive, he has to be faster than the rest to avoid the cheetah. If a cheetah wants to survive he has be be faster than the slowest gazelle, but faster than the other cheetahs. Every morning, whether you're a gazelle or a cheetah, better start running!

Until I can think up or find some good ones, here's a list by George Carlin, called Bits and Pieces (I hope it's alright to post this, if not delete it):

• Be careful whom you befriend. They will eventually ask you for something.
• Hard work is a misleading term. Physical effort and long hours do not constitute hard work. Hard work is when someone pays you to do something you’d rather not be doing. Anytime you’d rather be doing something other than the thing you’re doing, you’re doing hard work.
• People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.
• TRUE FACT: A radio commercial says that a certain diet pill works three times faster than starvation. Question: Are they guessing, or did they really run these tests?
• A children’s museum sounds like a good idea, but I would imagine it’s not easy to breathe inside those little glass cases.
• I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man with no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.
• You know what would have been a smart thing to do in these developing countries that need electricity? To have tried large-scale experiments with alternative energy sources: solar, wind, geothermal, etc. We could have tested and tried to perfect these technologies on a large scale in places that need it. That would have been smart. That’s why we didn’t do it.
• Get one now! Everybody has one! They’re almost gone! New, super-deluxe, jumbo, handy, portable, lightweight, convenient, collapsible, prewrapped, easy to use, guaranteed, available in all sizes in designer colors. Get one now! Won’t rust, tarnish, blister, crack, or peal, but it will cause tumors.
• We have classifications called “legally blind” and “legally dead.” What about “legally tired”? I think a guy should be able to declare himself legally tired, so he could get out of doing things he didn’t want to do.
• I typed the word Google into Google. Guess what came up? Everything.
• I wonder how many eventual homicides have resulted from wedding ceremonies performed at the Happy Wedding-Bell Chapel in Las Vegas.
• There are some people who are so nondescript that if their identities were stolen it would be an improvement.
• Here’s how money can buy happiness: Money gives you options, options give you breathing room, breathing room gives you control and control can offter you a measure of happiness. Maybe.
• I wonder if a classical music composer ever intentionally composed a piano piece that was physically impossible to play and then stuck it away in a trunk to be found years after his death, knowing it would forever drive perfectionist musicians crazy.
• All patriarchal societies are either preparing for war, at war, or recovering from war.
• You know what you never see anymore? A guy with a pencil behind his ear.
• I’d like to point out that during the twentieth century, white, God-fearing, predominantly Christian Europe produced Lenin, Stalin, Franco, Hitler, and Mussolini.
• I’d like to know the suicide rate among people who call in to radio psychologists and actually follow the advice they get.
• If you vote once, you’re considered a good citizen. If you vote twice, you face four years in jail.
• I wonder if a person who comes out of a coma feels refreshed and well rested.
• During one of those patriotic orgies of self-congratulation that followed the first Gulf War, as General Schwarzkopf was bragging about dropping fire on women and babies, a protester interrupted his speech. The man who had killed a few hundred thousand civilians continued to speak. The protester was charged with disturbing the peace.
• In New York State, there’s a town called Eastchester. It’s in a county called Westchester.
• Whenever I hear about someone who “died for the flag,” I always wonder about his real motives. And then I remember, Oh yeah, they shoot deserters.
• Two soldiers get into a fight. Two other soldiers pull them apart and tell them not to fight. Then they all pick up their guns and go kill people.
• When you drive into California from Las Vegas they have an agricultural inspection station where they ask you if you have any fruits or vegetables with you . And then they just believe whatever you tell them. What’s the point of that? You know what I do? On every trip I put a yam in the glove compartment, just to be sure I’m breaking the law.
• What’s the difference between a drop and a droplet? After all, if you divide a drop into smaller parts, all you really get is smaller drops. Big or little, a drop is a drop. Same thing with a crumb. But the odd thing about a crumb is that if you cut a crumb in half, you don’t get two half-crumbs, you get two crumbs. To me, that sounds like magic. I gotta ask David Copperfield how they do that.
• The United States most closely resembles a huge, poorly-thought-out, sick joke.
• Cigarette companies market heavily to young people. They need young customers because their product kills the older ones. It is the only product that, if used as intended, kills the customer.
• More people write poetry than read it.
• There are caregivers and there are caretakers, and yet the two words are not opposites. Why is this?
• There are now murderous turf-wars going on in which people are being brutally killed over the right to sell a substance called ecstasy.
• You know what you don’t see anymore? The sacking of a city. Rome and Constantinople were good examples. Next time we win a war, we ought to sack the capital of the country we defeat. “U.S. TROOPS SACK BAGHDAD.” Wouldn’t that be good? I guess we do our sacking in subtler ways. Through the business community.
• I think they ought to have really fast escalators that you have to jump on and off, and if you get hurt, too bad.

[Raoul Duke]

Why do Eskimos have 1000 words for snow?
Because they do sooo much coke!

Why do they make Jack Daniels bottles flat?
So they don't roll out from under the seat, when a cop pulls you over.

Would anybody get hurt if I told my home made Texan jokes?

[nofu]

Courtesy to my nephew:

How do you get a giraffe into a fridge?
Open the door, put the giraffe in and close the door.

How do you get an elephant into a fridge?
Open the door, take out the giraffe, put the elephant in and close the door.

also this:
Why is Santa so happy?
He knows where the naughty girls live.

[Armonah]

It's brown and sticky:
A stick.

It's black, and when it falls from a tree, your stove is broken:
Your stove.

Why do you never see fat demons?
They exorcise.


A lawer boards a plane to Europe and spots a blonde a few rows up. Knowing he is in for a long flight he decides to try and mess with her and earn some cash at the same time. So a little way into the trip he goes up to her and says "It is a really long trip and we should play a game. I will ask you a question and if you don't know the answer you give me five bucks. Same for me." She says no and that she is tired. So he says "Okay, if I can't answer it I will give you fifty bucks but you still only have to pay five." She agrees.
He asks her "What's the capitol of Alabama?" She hands him five dollars. She looks at him and asks, "What goes up a hill with twelve legs and comes down with thirty?" He has no clue, so he uses his laptop, calls his friends and basically uses every resourse he has. Finally they're about to land and he hands her the fifty bucks. He asks her, "I have to know, What was the answer?" She looks at him and hands him five bucks.


A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely,but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

[Jazz]

Dad told me this while I was half asleep.

--

Two guys were sitting at a bar; one guy had a head with no body. He started drinking and suddenly grew an arm! Started drinking some more then grew another arm! He drank more and more and soon grew two legs!

Then the guy drank so much he lost his head!

The other guy looked at him then and said, "So, do you know the lesson from all this?" Seeing as the other guy was at a loss for words, he continued... "You were better off when you were a-head."

--

Man...... XD

[Elwell]

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Esther.
Esther who?
Esther Bunny.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Anna.
Anna who?
Annather Esther Bunny.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Stella.
Stella who?
Stella 'nother Esther Bunny.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Cargo.
Cargo who?
Cargo BEEP BEEP run over all the Esther Bunnies!

[Elwell]

What name do you give a dog with no legs?

It doesn't matter, he won't come to you anyway.

Or, call him Cigarette, 'cause you take him for a drag.

[Elwell]

How do you make an elephant float?
Root beer and two scoops of elephant.

[nauvice]

^LOL at all of these

[Carnifex]

what's white and disturbs your meal?


an avalanche.

[tobbA]

"Why do cows wear bells around their necks?"

"Because their horns don't work."

[GoGoJojo]

This one is bad, but I made it up in 8th grade:

"What do you call a coin that gets a sex-change?"

"Susan B. Anthony"

[VulgarDragon]

Did you hear about the siamese twin elephants who were joined at the trunk?
If one sneezed, the other one farted.

What do you call a male elephant who is not well endowed?
Peanuts.

"What is wrong with me?" the bacteria asked the psychologist.
The psychologist said, "You have a Golgi complex."

How long did Cain hate Abel?
As long as he was Abel.

What is the best time to eat a vegetarian sandwich?
Greenwich time.

What religion does cat belong to?
Catholic.

Did you hear about the scientist who was working with acid?
He was absorbed in his work.

[Elwell]

What time do you go to the dentist?
Two thirty.

[Armonah]

A big city lawyer went duck hunting. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked the lawyer what he was doing. The lawyer responded, 'I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it.'
The old farmer replied: 'This duck is on my property, it's now mine. And you're trespassing.'
The indignant lawyer replied: 'I'm one of the best trial lawyers around, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you.'
The old farmer smiled and said, 'Apparently, you don't know how we settle things here. We Roshambo for it.'
The lawyer asked, 'What does "Roshambo" mean?'
'Well, first I kick you in the nuts, then you kick me in my nuts, and the one who gives up first, loses.'
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly gets down from the tractor and walked up to the city fella. He charges, and plants the toes of his heavy work boots right into the lawyer's groin, dropping him on his knees. The lawyer rolls over and gasps for air, and looks like he's about to vomit from the pain. 'Are you giving up?' the farmer asks him. But the lawyer squeeks 'No.'
After about five minutes the lawyer gets up. 'Now it's my turn...'
'Nah'. The old farmer replies. 'You can keep the duck'.

[Moai]

So, I was at my refrigerator the other night, getting some stuff to make a sandwich, when from within the refrigerator I heard a very distinct sneeze. Puzzled, I looked inside, and suddenly, the mayonnaise shouted, "The ketchup did it! The ketchup did it!"

I was shocked. This was, after all, an inanimate object. And, to this day, I have never been able to get the ketchup to do or say anything since.

(Courtesy of Garry Larson.)

[Moai]

Where does a pirate captain keep is buccaneers? ... Under his buccanhat.

I've been trying to think of a way to use "buccaneer" in this sense forever. Dammit!

[kelly x]

Alesoun, I've never heard of cracker jokes either, we call them knock knock jokes, ba dump Bump jokes, ore maybe just jokes... I'll call them cracker jokes too but not if I'm near the South.
Here's one: What does "The Grinch" video have in common with this thread... Nothing!!! Hahahahaha (But Alesoun, your a silly SANTA!!!)

[alesoun]

What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
You're too young to smoke.

What did the ceiling say to the walls?
Hold me up, I'm plastered.

What do you call a man with a spade in his head?
Doug.

What do you call a man without a spade in his head?
Douglas.